Fancy Feast

Greetings from the Land of Abandoned Blogs...

2009-12-16T13:28:00.004-05:00

Hello Friends,

Yes, it has been a very long time. I've missed you, and have often thought about blogging over the past year, but a few things have held me back. First, and foremost, I've been busy. I am not naturally all that clever or witty, so posting anything remotely well written tends to take me a bit of time.

Second, most of the interesting stuff in my life happens in the context of patient encounters at work, and I struggle (on an ongoing basis) with the idea of disclosing details of what people tell me. Of course I would never betray anyone's confidentiality, but sometimes I think even just sharing, no matter how anonymously, information that someone has bravely disclosed about their very private life, must be some kind of an empathic failure or ethical violation. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I flip flop back and forth.

Finally, probably the most significant reason I haven't been writing is that I've just been too frickin' happy over the past year. I started this blog in medical school, primarily as a means of exposing some of the calamity of life as a med student, and as a way of venting my frustrations. These days, my life feels pretty settled (in a good way). After years of waiting, and many false starts, I stumbled onto 'the one' last February. We've had many great times and adventures together, and now are planning to get married, which is to take place in March (come to think of it, chronicling our wedding planning foibles might be just the thing to breathe some life back into this blog). Being with a wonderful man who loves you, in an uncomplicated relationship that works and feels right, really removes a lot of fodder for angst-ridden, lamenting, drama-filled stories. Life is just downright wonderful these days. I don't know how riveted you'd be by a story about a disagreement over what kind of soup we should have for dinner.

So, on that note, and just to underscore how exciting I am, I'm going to hit the sheets now and nap for an hour. I feel totally wiped out (possibly from my flu shot yesterday), and I'm on call tonight, so I need to catch a few zzzs this afternoon in anticipation of a crazy night tonight - literally.

I will try to write again soon,
xotabby

Mistletoe Fruitcake!

2008-12-15T22:16:00.002-05:00

I should be writing more these days. I actually could be. The problem is I’ve developed a nasty little TV habit. Worse, I seem to be addicted to those horrible, cheesy, predictable, low budget, made for TV Christmas movies gracing the small screen at this time of year. What is my problem? I get sucked in, watch the whole thing in a semi-trance, and at the end invariably utter something along the lines of “that was the worst f^%ing movie I have ever seen”. Then I spend a few minutes thinking about how I just wasted 2 hours of my life that I can never get back. The saddest part is that it happens again and again and again...I’m in the middle of one now. It’s killing me but I can’t stop.

T

Brain Freeze

2008-12-03T21:40:00.001-05:00

Hello All,

Just a short post. I’m off to the Tdot this weekend and have about a million things to do before I go. Yesterday I had lunch with BBCTCHR. We had sushi in Orleans of all places, and it was really good. I ordered this coconut bubble tea to drink and it was so delicious that I could not stop slurping it back, but it was really cold, and, as a consequence of my ‘overindulgence’ I experienced the worst brain freeze of my life. We’re talking really extreme pain. I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before.

There’s a drug called Adenosine that we sometimes give to patients in emerg who have cardiac arrhythmias. It basically stops your heart for a few seconds and when patients have it they totally freak out, and afterwards they say it felt like they were dying. Yesterday, in conjunction with the crippling pain of my brain freeze, I swear to God my heart stopped beating for about 7 seconds. I thought I was gonna pass out.

This week has somehow managed to get totally jam packed. I have plans every night, and Friday morning I’m off to Toronto. Where does the time go?

xot

Pride Please, Hold the Prejudice

2008-11-30T22:28:00.004-05:00

Hello All,
I had so many hopes for this weekend, but here we are, Sunday night, and I’ve accomplished essentially nothing. Worse still, I spent the majority of this day feeling like I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I think this has to do with the fact that I am over tired, and it will likely pass in one or two days max, but it sure is a drag because it means that I have not vacuumed and my skis are unwaxed. Plus, I hate crying, and rarely do it.

I had a birthday dinner at my parents’ tonight, and my mom and dad made all of my favourites. It was a wonderful feast, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My mom also packed up a fabulous goodie bag for me. I felt like a jerk though, because it was meant to be a celebratory event and I was so clearly low on the energy scale and critically low on exuberance. My mom reminded me that home is the one place where you can always wear your heart on your sleeve...and people still love you no matter what. Isn’t that sweet? What did I ever do to deserve such a great family, and great friends? Honestly, I am pretty much as lucky as they come.

I had to leave rather abruptly though, because my parents are dog sitting a dog that I am deathly allergic to, and after dinner, I felt I was one flake of inhaled dander away from having my some kind of whacked-out asthma attack. I’m pretty somatic it’s true, but I’m also legitimately very allergic to certain dogs.

Right now I am watching Pride and Prejudice, which is one of my favourite romantic movies. Unfortunately, it is the Kiera Knightly version, which makes me want to barf a little. I much prefer the one with Colin Firth as Mr. D’Arcy. Anyway, it is doing an adequate job of pacifying my hopeless romantic disposition for the moment, but I just took a double hit of Benedryl, so I think I am not long for this world .

I’m on call tomorrow night, so there’s bound to be some calamity for me to write about...

Much love,
Tabby

Grated My Finger

2008-11-29T20:04:00.002-05:00

I am laying low tonight. Went wedding dress shopping with a friend of mine today, and it was a huge, but exhausting, success. Tonight I cannot muster up the wherewithal to do anything other than sit on the couch, drinking wine, cleaning up my inbox, making to do lists,and watching movies on the W network. It is total bliss. I decided to defrost the second bit of my mom's excellent pasta sauce and cooked up a little spaghetti again. As I was grating some Parmesan cheese into it, I caught my pinkie. It hurt like a mofo, but I figured I was just being a suck. Just now (about an hour later) I looked down and found my entire finger covered in dried blood, plus a large gash where I grated the skin right off of it.

This is the kind of shape I'm in. Tonight, I will sleep like the dead, and tomorrow wake rejuvenated and ready for a ski wax!

My parents are cooking me a birthday dinner tomorrow including my favourite Beef Stroganoff(?sp) and this yummy vanilla pie that I really love...and God knows what else. I'm really excited.

there are a trillion things I want to do tomorrow.

I love you all,
Tabby T

On The Home Stretch

2008-11-26T16:26:00.003-05:00

Hello Friends,

Last night when I went to bed at around 2:40am, my heart rate was about 139 and I had a major sense of impending doom. I could not calm my ass down. I thought it would be kind of ironic if I were having my first ever panic attack in bed, my favourite place in the world. Luckily, it did not come to that; though, I can pretty much guarantee that if someone had offered me 0.5mg of Ativan, I would’ve taken it without hesitation.

This morning when I woke up, I thought (again) that I might die from anxiety. I won’t even get into the GI symptoms I was having. Instead of dying, I got in the shower and told myself that this grand rounds was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, and then I somehow managed to pull it together. The dose of perspective I needed came when I saw one of my ex-patients, a young man, with a new diagnosis of schizophrenia, shuffling down the snowy street looking totally lost. Seriously, I think my challenges are pretty minor in comparison.

So, the worst of it is over with, and now I just need to pull something together for Friday. I am ecstatic to have it done, and I don’t even care if I flamed out. The thing is, I actually enjoy public speaking, just not when I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. This weekend is going to be the birthday weekend of the century...I cannot wait.

I’m gonna have a little nap now... xot

Thank You Dr. S.

2008-11-25T15:33:00.003-05:00

God Bless you for a)engaging in supportive psychotherapy with me today, and b)letting me leave early. You are a kind generous man, and you are invited to my party on Friday night!

Also, a shout out to Brocat, and Micher for the wonderful cupcakes. They are the only solid food I've been able to handle all day...

Just now, I almost burned down the kitchen. I have no kettle, so rely on boiling water for tea on the stove. This is a fine strategy, except when my head is lodged firmly up my ... I'm trying to quit swearing.

I'm a complete mess, but I will persevere...and regain my former lust for life, and high(ish) level of functioning.

xot

Happy Birthday Christina Applegate!

2008-11-25T02:07:00.004-05:00

I can no longer communicate verbally. I am so exhausted. I still have so much to do...dare I take a chance on finishing this travesty tomorrow night?

2008-11-24T21:09:00.000-05:00

Adieu – another one act play – my favourite kind of play...

2008-11-23T22:36:00.003-05:00

The Following is a re-enactment of my ex-bf’s visit tonight. I asked him to please come by and pick up the clothes and crap he has left lying around my place over the past 4 months. Of note, every time he breezed in an out of town, he would leave some combination of dirty socks, underwear, and t-shirts on the floor of my bedroom. I found it sort of endearing for about 4 days, and then, as things were progressively turning crappy, I found myself grudgingly doing his laundry, and wondering what the hell happened to my proud feminine feline self....Anyway, onto the play.

Door bells rings. Sheepish bald guy hovers in the cold...Cute pyjama-clad kitten answers the door.

Me: Hey, come in. I’ve got your stuff packed.
Him: Sure is cold out here.
Me: Yeah, sure is.
Him: How you doin’?
Me: Very well thanks

Unpleasant pleasantries abound.....

Him: Well, I don’t want to keep you from your work....will I see you again?
Me: Uhhhhh...I don’t think so.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah, I’m kind of mad at you.
Him: I sensed that. I am very perceptive (no word of a lie)
Me: O..R.. you?
Him: Why are you angry with me?
Me: (placidly) well, you’ve treated me in a pretty disrespectful way over the past few months...
Him: How?
Me: [sigh] I don’t think we need to rehash this all again (then I rehashed some of it anyway, more for me that for him)...I guess just by dumping me to the very bottom of your priority list all the time.
Him: Well I think you’re a really great gall. I’d love to see you again.
Me: (vomiting a little in my mouth) that’s funny because you didn’t seem to want to see me at all when we were dating.
Him: Look if we lived in the same city, everything would be different. I think we’re a great match.
Me: Great match? Different? You mean you would’ve made an effort?
Him: I wouldn’t have had to, everything would be easy.
Me: (no longer able to engage) I guess so....
Him: Well maybe we’ll cross paths again..
Me: Maybe they will, and I certainly wish you well, but I really can’t see us hanging out.
Him: You never know...
Me: I guess not

Chilly goodbye.

Ughh, why don’t these things get easier? I actually found myself wondering if I was over-reacting? Or too high maintenance? Or freakishly uptight. He told me he really feels he did his best. It never ceases to amaze me how two people can go from smooching and being almost revoltingly sweet to each other, to feeling physiological stress from thinking about or seeing one other. Funny thing, this relationship business.

I'm going to bed! Onwards and upwards.
T

Insight

2008-11-23T18:11:00.003-05:00

I slept well last night. It was that kind of sleep where you are so exhausted that, as soon as you hit the sheets, your body melts into the mattress. You know what I’m talking about, like when you’ve been up all night on call, or in transit for 2 days, and you slide into bed and think “there is no place in the world I would rather be right now.” Despite this extreme fatigue and seemingly restful sleep, I am aware that I had vivid dreams all night. The problem is, I can’t remember any of them. Not even a glimpse.

This morning as I was lolling in bed, slowly waking up, it occurred to me that my left eye seemed to be glued shut. “That’s weird” I told myself, “I was pretty sure allergy season was over.” Guess what. I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done before – went to bed with my frickin’ contacts in. What a nightmare! Maybe that’s what I was dreaming about all night. My subconscious mind was saying “Yo, your eyes are drying up like raisins! Please intervene.”

I performed delicate surgery on myself this morning to get them out, but my left eye has continued to make cheese all day in protest of last night’s mistreatment.

XOT

Spaghetti and Meatballs

2008-11-22T22:44:00.001-05:00

God, I wish my mind were wired differently sometimes. I’ve been working on this stupid grand rounds thing for 2 weeks, just reading article after article, filling my brain to the spilling point, and basically floundering around. It’s always like this. Even on the rare occasion when I start things relatively early, I cannot pin myself down to anything meaningful or focused until the last minute. My topic was a giant black hole, until 5pm today, when I finally had my ‘eureka’ moment. Why couldn’t this have come to me last weekend? Now I will feel panicked and stressed until the very last minute. I am living and breathing for next Friday afternoon.

On a positive note, my parents dropped off some spaghetti sauce that my mom made last week. I tried it tonight. It was so good I thought I might cry. The meatballs were perfection, and the sweet tomato-y goodness (undoubtedly from their garden) was unparalleled. She agrees that it is one of her best sauces ever, but she can’t remember what she put in it. She is a good woman.

good night from your hypomanic friend,
Tabby

Team Yellow – My Karmic Saviour!

2008-11-22T00:38:00.001-05:00

Hello Friends,

It’s a cryptic blog title, I know, especially since I haven’t written for months. But bear with me. I have a (kind of long) story to tell you.

First, I should probably give you the quick and dirty update on my life. My trip to Italy was a fabulous debacle. Pesto and I (and our friend Katoushka) barley left her family’s small mountaintop village. It was such a remote, authentic, and welcoming place, that it was sort of hard to imagine leaving to trudge around various tourist traps. I know I’ll go back to Italy in my lifetime, but I can’t say I’ll ever have a chance to spend 2 weeks with the wonderful people of Gallo again. So the choice to stay local was pretty simple.

It would take too long to share all of the details, but Pesto’s family welcomed me with open arms. Her Nona fed me copiously, and her aunts, uncles, cousins, and all the townsfolk were warm and beautiful people. Our daily routine was some variation of the following: We would wake up around 11:30am and start our day. About every second or third ‘morning’, I would feel so guilty about the amount of food and drink I was consuming, that I would run to the neighbouring village. It was about 12km, roundtrip, with many fountains along the way (the coldest, purest water, from an ancient mountain source). The locals thought I was insane, but they were polite about it.

After the run, we would go over to Nona’s for lunch, which was quite an event. The whole family would come pouring out of the rafters, and anywhere between 14 and 19 people would sit down at a super long table in ‘the old house’. This meal would involve a pasta course, one or two or three meats, salad, vegetables, and usually some melon for dessert. Bread, wine, and cheese were abundant. It lasted for hours and was such a beautiful expression of family values. The children in Italy are really cherished members of society. They have a voice, and are generally showered with attention and affection. It’s really touching, and I found it such a contrast to the way we tend to treat children in North American society.

After the meal, we might go for a walk around town, or have a nap, or take in a pick-up soccer game. Then, around 8, we would head down to the only pizzeria /restaurant/bar in town. The remainder of the night would be spent drinking, cavorting, and singing Italian karaoke. I learned that I speak, and sing very well in Italian, but only after several libations. One night we camped out by the lake. My Italian was especially good that night. There were also 2 weddings, which rocked my world, though I am still recovering from a stiletto impalement at the hands of Pesto.

Anyway, it was a very fun trip, and a great cap off to a carefree summer....

This fall has been a bit more stressful. I had the second part of my licensing exam in late October, and next week I have 2 big presentations , which aren’t ready yet, and are stressing me out immensely. I’m really looking forward to next Friday, after which I will get my cross country skis waxed and hit the trials hard. I also haven’t been running as much as I’d like. I plan to spend my weekends in December frolicking around town, visiting with friends, and reading fun books, including my psychodynamic diagnosis book, which has been patiently waiting on my bedside table for 2 months. I will also go to Toronto and visit my brother and sister in law for a weekend of fun, and meet Tom and Tamara’s baby, who is practically starting high school by now.

So, onto the karmic saviour bit. Well, after a year of personal growth/romantic drought, I decided to start dating again. I’ve been dating a guy for about 4 months. It’s a complicated story, but he doesn’t live in Ottawa anymore, and things have been crappy for about 2 months. It’s that kind of situation where you know things are not quite right, but you tell yourself it’s a distance issue, or maybe growing pains of being back in a relationship, or whatever excuse you can think of. Well this guy has been progressively becoming more of a dick, and this week it got to a point where I’d had enough, so I ended it.

It was a relief on so many levels because I was basically becoming an insecure, paranoid freak. But on another level (even though I didn’t like him that much, thought he was not a very nice person, and had reservations from the get go), I felt totally choked up and sad. I was thinking about why that was the case last night during my run, and came to the conclusion that these feelings boil down to hurt pride (i.e., even if I didn’t like him, why wasn’t he hopelessly in love with me?) and also a feeling of lost potential and disappointment.

It occurred to me that even though he is guilty of being a narcissistic dick head, I am guilty of something too. I had the feeling he wasn’t my guy, and I went along with things anyway. I think, on some level, I wanted him to be someone he wasn’t, or thought maybe there must be a great treasure there to unfold. I assigned him attributes he didn’t have, and then was disappointed when didn’t come through. It’s kind of an interesting lesson.....

In any event, I’ve digressed again. The point here is, I was talking to my mom yesterday afternoon. Basically, I was just feeling extremely sorry for myself. I was whining about how I think I’m a pretty swell gall, that I am not a tyrant to live with, that I’m not a gargoyle, and that I am fun, and have a lot to bring to the table...blah blah blah...Of course my mom agreed because she’s my mom, and that’s really why we call our mom in these kinds of situations. She also made the requisite mom statement about how this guy was a dud, and how someday, someone would see me and know what I’m all about. I thanked her for her kind words, told her I was pretty sure I would end up single with 50 cats, and hung up the phone.

A couple of other, relatively minor, uncool things happened yesterday and, let’s just say, what with these stupid presentations and all, I was feeling a little discouraged and under the weather this morning. My email had been held hostage by the Ottawa U server since yesterday, and today at noon, they all poured in. Well guess what, there was a comment on Fancy Feast.

Initially, I thought ‘oh great, here is one of my friends chastising me for not writing anymore.’ Then I read it. It was such a lovely shout out, from a total stranger, and so out of the blue, that I immediately felt that the karma gods must be sending me a little encouraging pat on the back; Either that, or I was one step away from being admitted to the psych ward where I work. I chose the former, encouraging, interpretation. I really value writing as a creative outlet, and Team Yellow’s feedback could not have been better timed.

I guess there are a few take home messages here (in no particular order):

If you think you are dating a jerk, you probably are.
Busy, stressful times in your life are important because they make you appreciate the fun, carefree times spent with family and friends.
Sometimes a nod from a total stranger is just what the doctor ordered (so you should both nod at others, and accept their nods in return!)
Italy is a wonderful place to eat, drink, and generally rediscover your humanity. I highly recommend it.

I hope to write more. ...but I know I always say that...I need to put my money where my mouth is....

Love and Affection,

Tabby

Italia, here I come!

2008-08-07T08:25:00.003-04:00

Hey Gang,

I'm off to Italy today for 2 weeks of sensory extravagance. It's gonna be great, and I can't wait to tell you all about it when I get back.

Have a great couple of weeks everyone. I will have at least one gelato in honour of each of you!

much love,
Tabby

On coveting and smoking...

2008-07-29T23:46:00.006-04:00

I love summer so much. It’s something about being out and about, not having to wear socks, and not being bundled up with a silk long john suit under my clothes and a big winter coat. I love feeling warm all the time.

There’s this little street on my way home from the gym. It’s not really a street, but it’s not exactly an alley either. I love cutting through there, can’t exactly say why. Today as I was passing through, I saw a nun sitting in her full nun outfit on her back porch, having a chat with some guy. I really like nuns, and they seem to like me too. This one was no exception. We locked eyes, and she threw her hand up in a big, emphatic wave. I did the same. It was a great experience.

About 2 seconds later, it came to my attention that tonight was the big night for Shakespeare in the park right beside my place. What a joyful event – except that it was Romeo and Juliet, which is pretty sad actually.

I was thinking on my way home from the gym, that I seem to have developed a nasty little habit lately of coveting other people’s stuff. Today, as I walked by the house I love so much at 73 Bayswater, I imagined its future owners. I thought about how lucky they’d be, and I was jealous – jealous of complete, unknown strangers. How lame is that? The coveting has taken on even more sinister proportions lately, but I won’t get into it. Suffice it to say, it’s a nasty little habit, and I really should know better. I imagine it’s kind of like taking up smoking as an adult. You’re definitely smart enough to know it's bad for you, and plus it's totally gross. It doesn’t take long to feel completely disgusted with yourself. I’ve decided to try and kick the habit.

xot

a little afterthought...

2008-07-27T03:29:00.001-04:00

Sometimes working in the trenches makes me want to thank God (or whomever is responsible) for all of the gifts, opportunities, and love that has been bestowed upon me throughout my lifetime. Sure, being the fattest kid in my elementary school was hard, but at least I was given brains, resiliency, and a loving family. Some people really get dealt the worst of everything....

Roquefort, je t'aime!

2008-07-26T23:07:00.004-04:00

For reasons that will be obvious to most of you, I’d like to buy a house on Merton Street. While buying a house is nowhere near happening for me, there’s one on Bayswater that I luh-huve. I’m not sure if it’s sold yet. It wasn’t the last time I went by there. Pesto and I went to visit it with her real estate agent, who has now become her best friend.

The house in question is a duplex, with a two bedroom apartment downstairs and a one bedroom upstairs. Both apartments are gorgeous and clean, with lots of character. They both have multiple sun porches. The house is set back from the road, and the landscaping is really nice. Also, in the back yard are scads of raspberry bushes. I’m crazy about wild raspberries. This house is a wonderful oasis in the city, and priced accordingly.

I’m on call today, but had a bit of a lull, so I popped by Sears because I have a gift card from there which I was given after a major debacle involving the bed I bought in May. Unbeknownst to me, it is scratch and save this weekend. The place is a zoo. I have found the duvet of my dreams, consulted extensively with the sales representative, and now must wait for it to go on sale. I’m calling her next week.

Okay...some time has elapsed since I started this post. I’ve been to the hospital a few times, and managed to clean my bathroom and kitchen, both of which were on the verge of being condemned. They now look spotless, more or less. Tomorrow, I just need to vacuum, dust, and wash the kitchen floor. There’s also the small matter of my office, but I’ve been putting off dealing with that for months, and don’t see why tomorrow would be any different. Besides, I have a bitchen chocolate cake to bake from scratch for a wine and cheese party that some of us are having tomorrow night. I’ve got a tonne of cheese and mouse de foie de canard in my fridge and it’s been absolutely killing me not to break into it over the past few days.

The chocolate cake involves 2 layers of ganache and a chocolate coating. It is killer. I had to get some ice cream to cut the sweetness of the cake a little...

A cat just got into a fight with a racoon in the backyard, I think.

I can’t believe I’m leaving for Italy in 2 short weeks. Wow. I need to start planning this week.

Since this entry has turned into even more of a stream of consciousness than my usual, I think I’m gonna sign off here and try to sleep a little. I am anticipating a page any minute, and not looking forward to heading back to the hospital....and....I'm off to the hospital.

sweet dreams my beautiful friends,

love Tabby

Touch his feathers and they won't come loose!

2008-07-25T23:31:00.002-04:00

I have a new running route. It’s great. I really liked my old circuit, and it prepared me well for the marathon, but I was getting kind of bored with it and so decided spontaneously last week to branch out a bit. My new route serendipitously hits most of the major highlights of Ottawa, so it is kind of like taking a scenic, double decker bus tour every time I go out. For example, I had no idea there was so much going on behind the Parliament buildings. There’s an entire community of people that hang out back there fishing, picnicking, and generally frolicking around. Now that I know about it, I too have adopted the romantic notion of a sunset picnic overlooking the Ottawa River. It’s really beautiful.

On a less beautiful note, I realised this week that I’ve developed a real phobia of Canada geese. I think this dates back to my days at the University of Waterloo. The place was some kind of travel hub , and at any given time, there could be hundreds of them hanging out on campus. They were not the friendliest, especially when they had their goslings. I never wanted any trouble with them, but sometimes a girl has t o get from A to B. I distinctly recall riding my bike down the path near St. Jerome’s and just putting my legs straight up in the air for fear of getting them pecked off by those nasty, hissing freaks. They also shit everywhere, which is gross.

Anyway, there’s one spot on my run where the geese are always on the path and I must admit it scares the crap out of me to run through there. My heart rate goes up as I tread lightly, and I seriously try my best to sneak through without being noticed. None of these Ottawa geese have ever even hissed at me, but I guess classical conditioning is hard to undo...

I’m on call tomorrow...again.

On Call Tonight

2008-07-15T23:35:00.001-04:00

I’m on call tonight. Boo. Why can’t people go bonkers during regular working hours? My eyes hurt.

Tabby

Fairmont Park - At long last!

2008-07-15T08:23:00.002-04:00

I said I would tell you all about Fairmont Park, and so here is my take on the place. I pretty much love it there. At first glance it’s a smallish park with nothing much to write home about. Closer inspection, however, reveals a number of charming features that have won my heart.

First, it has a dynamite set of swings, which I think we can all agree are essential for any park. I like to swing while watching the neighbourhood families play tennis together after dinner. It’s wholesome fun, and the tennis courts there are free and open, which is great, though unfortunately, I don’t own a tennis racquet. There is also a bit of an open grassy area, which looks like a really great place to have a pick up game of football with your friends.

There are a number of sweet little houses bordering the park, and some of the families have planted flowers and such on the park side of their fences, which is very nice and homey also. On a couple of occasions, I’ve seen people hosting social events in the park. They bring their patio furniture out and set it up in the park. I see them serving lemonade and nacho chips to their friends on breezy summer evenings. It looks like a lot of fun.

A couple of months ago, a really cute little house went on the market overlooking the park. It was listed at 350K and basically needed about 100K worth of renos. It sold within 4 days! I loved the idea of buying this house and moving into it, so I was a little sad. The fact is, I don’t have a pot to piss in, much less money to buy a house. My friend Daniel said that it was a romantic notion anyway, and that whoever ended up buying the house probably would not be able to move into it for about 6 months until all of the asbestos and toxic mould had been removed. He may have been right, but sometimes I think I would’ve risked the possibility of contracting Asbestosis for the chance to live across the street from FP!

Often on my way home from a run along the canal, I cut through the park to see what’s shakin.’ There are several day care groups that go there to play, as well as, upper middle class moms who hang out there with their kids during the day. On one particular day, it had been getting progressively overcast, and was starting to drizzle as I ran through. The park was vacant and I noticed a bunch of toys in the park and wondered who had left their stuff behind. Imagine my delight when I spotted the faded permanent marker on these plastic trucks and wheelbarrows indicating that they were the property of Fairmont Park. I died inside. This park has its own toys!

Two final observations: I love adventure and discovering new places. I’ve discovered that if you are on Beech street (say maybe picking up a sandwich at Dirienzo’s), you can grab this well-hidden, wooded short cut down the embankment and directly into the park. The path has a makeshift stone staircase. Nipping through there is like adding 15seconds of wilderness adventure to your day in the city.

The keen eye will also notice the numerous statuettes staggered throughout the park. I think they are mostly of dogs. Admittedly, I don’t really know what to make of these, but I say roll with it. Maybe they are the park mascots, or ghosts of dogs who once called Fairmont Park home. I would not put anything past this wonderful little oasis.

Tidbits

2008-07-08T23:43:00.003-04:00

My calves are still super sore, especially the left. I am way too tired right now, but in my next post I want to tell you all about Fairmont Park. Mostly I want to share the reasons why I love it.

Those of you with an eye for details might notice that I changed my profile pic. I wanted something a little closer up. Cats are very vane.

I think new neighbours have moved into the basement apartment. I already don't like them because they smoke outside and it smells like shit. Smoking is gross. I noticed that they left their bikes unlocked in the backyard which is essentially a recipe for disaster. They will learn I suppose. Kind of like when I was 5 and left my bike parked outside of the townhouse where we lived in the ghetto. The next door neighbours were moving and the guy backed over my bike with his moving van. Apparently, he nearly peed his pants because he thought I was on the bike. I wasn't. I was off in a large sandbox being my absentminded self. My mom had been on my ass about not leaving it on the street, but I didn't listen. I did not get another bike for about 10 years after that. Some lessons we learn the hard way. I think that was the same year (and same ghetto) where I broke my arm falling off of a wet play structure after my mom had instructed me not to go out. Man, that place really was a school of hard knocks.

I just finished assembling a very small piece of Ikea furniture. It took me 90 minutes!

If anyone wants to go on a nice, light canoe camping trip next weekend, let me know. There is availability and it is going to be extremely fun and relaxing. Last time there were more shooting stars than we could even keep track of.

good night my friends,
TT

Aqua Fit Dropout!

2008-07-08T00:01:00.004-04:00

When Phoebecat joined the gym, she stipulated that she really wanted to do Aqua fit. I support these kinds of pursuits, so when she asked me to come with her to first class, I said sure. How hard could it be? I mean, it’s splashing around in a pool for crying out loud. We picked an ab-buster class so that we could get ripped while splashing around.

Now at this point, I should mention that I got very little sleep this past weekend. I was on call Friday and Sunday, and ended up spending 12 hours at the hospital with Pesto on Saturday because we thought she might have a debilitating neurological condition (she does not).

My call was super busy, and Rick James was on to something when he said that “cocaine is a hell of a drug.”

This morning when I got home around 9:30, I decided to only sleep for about 2 hours because I hate to waste such a beautiful day lying in bed. Also, I wanted to get some sleep tonight.

All of this is to say that I was probably not at my best this afternoon, but I still managed to go for quite a long run. I thought the Aqua Fit would be a nice cool down.

Cool down is right! I was freezing in the pool, which I probably should’ve taken as a sign of something amiss because everyone else was hot and sweating. Aqua Fit, as it turns out, is kind of awkward and not that fun.The best part was cross country skiing on a pool noodle in the deep end.

All was well until out of nowhere, in the deep end, I was gripped by severe, bilateral, debilitating calf cramps. Oh my God. Imagine the worst leg cramp of your life, times two, in the deep end of a pool where you cannot put your foot down. I thought I would drown because I could not get it together enough to swim to the side of the pool. I’m afraid I made a small scene. Phoebe was no help because she was laughing so hard that she was actually at risk of drowning too. I had to hoist my seized legs out of the pool and hobble over to the hot tub, where I stayed until the class was over. The instructor was a bit dismayed.

Suffice it to say, I will no longer be participating in Aqua Fit.

XOT

Black to Basics!

2008-07-03T22:28:00.002-04:00

Today was my first day as a full-time psych resident. I’m working with a dynamite psychiatrist for the next three months. It feels so good to be back to my home base, and I was reminded of how much I love psychiatry when I sat in on an interview my preceptor was doing with one of his patients. I was laughing so hard that I was shaking as tears rolled down my face. The patient was laughing too - actually, it was her uncontrollable laughter that was contagious. Just when you think you’ve seen it all...

Tonight I ran into my favourite Black Cat at the gym. It was a real treat. She advised me on some of the treadmill issues and “introduced me” to the usual characters at the gym. Then I talked to Phoebe, who told me she is joining as well. It’s gonna be the best summer ever.

I’m going to bed early tonight, like right now. I’m on call Friday and Sunday this weekend and I’m totally exhausted from all of the social events of the past week or so. You all know how I feel about my bed, so I can’t wait to dive in.

I wish you all a cozy restful sleep.

xotabby

I forgot

2008-07-03T00:05:00.002-04:00

Pesto and I have been going to some parties lately. We were at one on Monday night, and I was chatting with this guy for quite a while. He was okay... Then Pesto came over and declared to this man that she and I were the best of friends ever and that we had crazy love and respect for one another. The guy wanted to know more, so he asked Pesto “what do you think makes Tabby so great?”

This is how my best friend replied:

“Tabby is purity incarnate. There is no one as honest and sincere as Tabby.”

The guy was understandably surprised by this response. While this is a ringing endorsement, I had kinda thought that in the context of meeting men at parties, she might choose words other than ‘purity’ and ‘incarnate’ to describe me. Upon reflection though, I really like that description, erroneous as it may be.

xot

Legumes as Emotional Healers

2008-07-02T23:39:00.002-04:00

When a really long time elapses between posts, it almost feels overwhelming to think about drafting an update. I know, it’s my own fault for not being more on top of things, but you know how it is, life gets busy sometimes. I’ve talked a lot of smack over the past several months about getting back to blogging on a regular basis, and have yet to put my money where my mouth is, so I won’t make any promises here tonight. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

It looks like the last post I wrote was on March 11^th, when I was still up in North Bay. So much has happened since then. At least 3 of my friends have had babies, and others are at varying stages of pregnancy. I’ve also finally had a chance to visit NYC, which was very exciting and fun, and long overdue.

I got back from NB at the start of April and Pesto was on her semi-annual tour of West Africa, so I was able to squat at her condo for several weeks. When she got back, the place became a little small and I was starting to feel like maybe it was time to put down some roots.

I briefly entertained the thought of moving into my friend James’ basement in the house he shares with his brother and some other freak roommate. It was a very generous offer, but one look at the tiny, dank, dark, hockey-equipment laden place brought me back to reality, and I decided it was time to get an apartment of my own.

Finding this place was surprisingly easy. Sometimes things do fall into place just as you’d like them to. The move was a bit more difficult because some pivotal pieces of furniture would not fit in the doorway. Throughout my year of nomadic existence, I had promised myself that the one item I would purchase when I finally got a place of my own was a fabulous queen-sized bed (I may have even posted something about this). After one month, three delivery attempts, and a switch to the split box spring, that dream became a reality and I now have the most bitchen bed in the world. It’s so high off the ground that I have to climb up into it. I am coated with joy the minute I lie down every night.

My new apartment is pretty great. It is geographically located exactly where I wanted to be, and has more or less all of the features from my wish list. This is a far cry from the smoky, ghetto apartment I was staying at in North Bay, where I was frequently awoken by either a domestic dispute, or the police knocking at the door downstairs. One night I even watched from the window as a drunk, homeless person, tried to break into my car at 4 o’clock in the morning!

Despite the above calamity, North Bay was good to me. I learned how to skate ski yo! It also allowed me some space and time to figure things out and I returned home happy, with a new attitude, and well on my way to being a fit bitch. There was a minor setback with some shin splints in early May, but with physio and some very painful deep tissue massage, I was able to complete the Fit Bitch Program by running my first marathon on May 25^th. What a day. I won’t elaborate too much, but the race exceeded my expectations tenfold. I couldn’t believe how great I felt right up until the end. Basically, I rocked it.

So, those are the main highlights of the past few months, and here I am now about to start my second year of residency. It’s amazing how time flies. Even though last year was one of the most difficult of my life, it seems to have evaporated into thin air. I just completed my emergency medicine rotation and it was so busy that I couldn’t even think about blogging because all I did was work, eat, and sleep, which is too bad because I would’ve had some good stories to share. I can’t even remember any of it now.

Last week, I was on holidays and celebrated by smashing my car in reverse into the side of my house as hard as I could. It totally sucked, but I have since rationalized it away. There was a gate there, which I didn’t like, and now the gate has been removed. I have also discovered an excellent mechanic who does body work. As of today, it is all a distant memory.

This morning we had orientation for the new residents. My allergies have been acting up like crazy this year, and this morning I woke up with super swollen eyes. I took a double dose of Reactine, thinking this would solve the problem. But to no avail, it was actually getting worse. So I did what anyone would. I purchased some Benedryl and took a good sized dose of it. Then I struggled to stay awake for the balance of the morning. According to the girl sitting next to me, my eyes were completely crossed at one point. It was painful.

Tonight I had soccer. I know what you’re thinking. Tabby? Soccer? That’s never been her thing. Well, you’re right. It is completely new to me and I’m sucking hard. But I do have some fun, and it’s good to expand your athletic horizons right?

So, I think that’s pretty much the update. I’m starting a new rotation tomorrow, where I’ll be for the next 6 months. With that kind of stability, hopefully there will be time to write. There are also camping trips and a vacation in Italy coming up, and these will undoubtedly provide the fodder for many Tabby tales.

I’m also considering putting the story of Vince at Evergreen Manor into writing, so maybe that will be my next project....

I miss you all,

xo Tabby

Advice from Tabby

2008-03-11T22:18:00.002-04:00

Dear Dr. So and So,

I'm no expert, but I think it is considered rude in most circles to be discussing end of life issues with a family whilst sending and receiving text messages on your cell phone. Again, I am not an expert on etiquette, it was just the vibe I got.

xot

Busted – A One Act Play Not So Loosely Based on Real Life Events

2008-03-10T23:17:00.003-04:00

I tend to just head home right after my workout and shower when I get here. Today was no exception. I had a great run, jumped in my car and started for home. Unfortunately, I had only made it about 50 meters when I was abruptly jarred from my endorphin-induced bliss by sirens and flashing red lights.

So I pulled over and sure enough so did the cop. My face was covered in salty sweat residue and I had my puffy down coat over my stinky running jersey. My hair was wet and matted to my head. I generally looked terrible.

The following is a transcript of what transpired.

Cop: (angry aggressive tone) Ma’am, you didn’t even try to stop at that stop sign coming out of the parking lot. Why not?

Me: (looking down shamefully, thinking to myself, what a stupid question? briefly considering telling him the truth - that said stop sign is completely futile and stupid) Uh, I dunno, guess I was in a bit of a rush...

Cop: (even more angry) how often do you come onto the base?

Me: almost every day

Cop: well, why did you blast through that stop sign?

Me: I dunno, I’m sorry.

Cop: Ma’am, can I see your driver’s license, insurance, and registration please?

Me: (fumbling around in my wallet) Uh, here is my driver’s license. Where would I find the rest of that stuff?

Cop: I don’t know ma’am

Me: (opening glove compartment) Uh, shit, is this what you want?

Cop: Ma’am, that is the registration. Can you get it out please? I also need your insurance.

Me: Right, well I definitely have insurance. Where would that be?

Cop: I don’t know. It should be a pink piece of paper.

Me: (reaching into wallet, pulling out plastic Meloche Monnex Client Card) I think this is my insurance.

Cop: No, that is not your insurance.

Me: I think it is. Are you sure it isn’t?

Cop: Yes, your insurance is pink and has an expiry date on it.

Me: Well maybe mine is different. Do you think they might be revamping insurance and handing out cards instead?

Cop: No ma’am I do not.

Me: (ongoing spastic fumbling in glove compartment - for like 8 minutes!) Oh, shit, here it is.

Cop: (taking my documents with him, walks back to his car, returns moments later) Ma’am where do you live?

Me: I live on Mc___ Street. I’m just in town for a few months working at the hospital.

Cop: Fine, hang on. I’ll be back.

Me: (waiting forever while cop sits in his car doing God knows what, stewing, wondering how many demerit points I can expect, wondering if I’ll get kicked off the base forever, questioning how much the fine will be, feeling my insurance premium rising while I wait)

Cop: (finally returns, hands me my stuff, miraculously no ticket) Ma’am, you need to stop at that stop sign in the future.

Me: (massive relief) Yes, of course I will.

This is actually the second time in my life I’ve been pulled over for running a stop sign, and also the second time I’ve successfully employed the spastic freak defence. It’s not premeditated but I guess it's kind of like my version of a bend and snap. One time I got pulled over for speeding and tried the same strategy. That time, it did not work. The cop was mad at me because I drove for about 3 kilometers before pulling over and then told him that I was hoping if I kept driving, he’d go after somebody else. I don’t recommend that, as it really pissed him off and he gave me the speeding ticket as punishment.

Anyway, today my charms were effective despite being a salt covered nut job. I was very relieved.

biggest hug,

Dimanche Apres-Midi

2008-03-02T16:20:00.002-05:00

I bought some stupendous organic yogurt on Friday. I like trying new kinds of yogurt, and this stuff just knocked my socks off. I’ve eaten almost all of it already. It’s called Stonyfield Farm and if you have a chance I really recommend the apple blackberry flavour.

As you can see, I’ve had a very exciting weekend. The yogurt has been the highlight. The past two weekends, I’ve resisted the urge to flee and have stayed put in North Bay, basically living the life of a shut in. It has surprisingly been kind of pleasant, but next weekend I will definitely be going away. I’m starting to feel a smidge stir crazy.

Last week was pretty busy with work and it didn’t help that I could not sleep. On Monday night I had a dream that the apartment I was staying in (not this one, some place I’ve never seen before) had burned to the ground and all of my clothes and possessions had been destroyed. In the dream I was so angry at the person whose negligence started the fire, and I was standing outside in the freezing cold repeating over and over “Now I have nothing left. Not even my passport”.

I was talking about this with one of the psychiatrists I’m working with. He says that anytime you dream about fire, it means you have angry rage. I knew I was a little anxious, but I didn’t realise I had angry rage. I don’t consciously feel angry at all. Maybe a little lonely, maybe a little unsure about the future, but not angry.

Anyway, on Thursday night I went over to Mr. Dine and Dash’s house. He has a great little house, and he recently acquired a cat that I would love to take home with me. He is a grey tabby, just like me. And he is fun and affectionate. I was crazy about him. I also discovered that Mr. D&D has a Wii, so instead of going out to the movies as planned, we played Wii tennis for most of the evening. I’ve had a sore arm all weekend.

The laws of attraction are so funny. This is a great looking guy, who is funny, smart, and social. We get along great and he seems to be into me. But I must admit that, even though I enjoy spending time with him, I’m just not sure I can picture myself smooching him. Why is that? This guy would be a totally appropriate match. Maybe it’s just the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s super strange. I seem to be attracted these days to guys who are totally unavailable, or uninterested. It’s safe I guess.

I think I’m gonna go out for a walk now before the freezing rain starts. This is my life in North Bay.

xot

Sleepless Freako

2008-02-25T23:18:00.004-05:00

I’m exhausted because I haven’t slept well in about a week. I'm definitely incubating something, and shamelessly passing it on to everyone around me. However I just keep simmering, not quite well and not quite sick – but undeniably tired.

I thought this sleeplessness bullshit was over with. For many months last year leading up to my licensing exam, I had really poor sleep. In desperation, I resorted to taking Benedryl to sedate myself on nights that I really needed to rest, but inevitably I felt totally hung over the next day. This persisted throughout the start of residency. Then magically, about a month after my break up with the Bobcat, my sleep became good again. I was sleeping soundly, dreaming, and waking up feeling refreshed.

As someone who has enjoyed restful and sound sleep for most of my life, it is quite disconcerting to be suddenly suffering from insomnia. I really feel for my patients who are in this predicament, because I'm not suffering from mental illness (well nothing on Axis I anyway), and I feel myself going bonkers after a few nights of bad sleep. Imagine being acutely unwell and not even being able to benefit from the restorative properties of sleep.

Well I’ve had bad sleep now for a week and I attribute it to a number of stressors that have crept up out of the woodwork. Also, I have a presentation on Wednesday, which is not remotely done, and the article I will be reviewing is the most cryptic piece of scientific writing I have ever encountered. I think this guy took a hit of E and then decided to put some thoughts down on paper.

So, that little bit of complaining is all I can muster tonight. I had a very long day and then attended a dinner seminar where at least I ate like a queen. From there I had a late therapy session.

This is my second go at therapy. It’s one of the items on my list of self betterment activities for this winter of northern solitude. Last time I tried to see someone was shortly after I moved to Edmonton for my masters. The woman was great and I really liked her, but she saw me twice and then told me I didn't need therapy and that I couldn't come back until I was more fucked up. I insisted that I was nuts, but she was having no part of it. Imagine what being kicked out of therapy does for someone with a fear of failure....

Anyway, maybe tomorrow I will share a tidbit or two from this go round. Basically, I sit around with this guy for an hour and we shoot the shit and exchange stories. Last time, he asked me if I wanted to learn how to do some relaxation breathing. I told him no thank you. I prefer my shallow, fretful anxious gasps and racing heart to that airy fairy inner peace crap. As you can see, I've upped the ante. He doesn't know what to make of me, but there's no way I'm gettin' turfed by another therapist for being too well adjusted.

biggest hugs,
Tabby

Check Ca La..

2008-02-25T22:53:00.000-05:00

http://iraterabbit.blogspot.com/

I feel like the luckiest cat in the world!!!!!!!

Sweet Dreams

2008-02-23T12:38:00.002-05:00

When my time as a displaced person draws to a close, there is just one thing I want to buy for my next apartment. A bed. Yes, a bed. A good bed. One that is firm. Maybe with a pillow top. And I will invest in wonderful pillows to go on my wonderful new bed. And it will be big enough to fit me and my sweetie, if I ever feel like getting another sweetie, or at least 6 of my 50 cats. They can take turns sleeping on the bed.

When I fantasize about such a bed, it doesn’t even seem to matter what city I end up in.

Something Fishy

2008-02-22T18:57:00.005-05:00

Well my hair is washed already, and I’m actually kind of bored tonight. Of course there are 7 million things I could and should be working on, but Friday night feels like a requisite night of fun and relaxation.

Last Friday, Pesto and I were in Boston. We’d had a lovely day of strolling around and decided to head out to the oldest restaurant in the US (allegedly) for some seafood. We had to wait a bit for our table so we decided to have a drink and some oysters in the bar. The oysters were great, and I think with repeated exposure, I am actually starting to like them. I rarely get sick, but every so often I get really tired and a little achy or sniffly for a day or two. About halfway through my gin and tonic I started to feel my entire body shutting down. I think I was even slurring my words.

We got our table and decided to order a bottle of wine. As soon as it came I knew it was game over for me. I couldn’t even finish my G&T. I had to tell Pesto that I was exhausted and needed to get to bed ASAP. So we ate our dinner really quickly and made our way back to the hotel. It just made sense that Pesto would be drinking the entire bottle of wine (in the span of about 25 minutes). We’re best friends, and we help each other out. Plus, to waste is a terrible thing.

It’s like the time in high school when we were on an “awareness trip” in the Dominican Republic and billeted with a local family. We would do our best every day to eat the food that was put in front of us. At the time Pesto was “allergic” to fish. We were served what we thought (based on our inability to speak any Spanish at that time) was a large chunk of deep fried fish. I have never seen Pesto so panicked in the entire time I’ve known her. She begged me to eat both of our meals. I felt sick just thinking about it, but I told her I would do my best. As I bit into that greasy battered log, a wonderful thing happened, I realized it was fried cheese. This is horrifying from a nutritional perspective but, as I recall, we were both overjoyed.

Anyway, I’ve digressed considerably.

We got back to the room and I tucked into my luxury bed, which had been subject to turn down service. It was lights out for me immediately. Poor Pesto. When I woke up on Saturday morning she asked me if I’d heard her barfing the night before. Of course I did not. I would’ve gotten up to make sure she was okay and then maybe put her to bed in the recovery position. She was reading her book in bed and began to have a wicked case of the spins. What a terrible feeling. She then proceeded to barf up the entire contents of her seafood feast, which is probably a good thing since she was apparently allergic to fish at one time.

So this Friday night is not nearly so exciting. I should’ve made plans to head down to Toronto as it is my brother’s bday tomorrow and my parents are going to be there. But I thought it would be better to just lay low. Now I feel lonely and kind of wish I’d gone. Maybe I could drive down tomorrow after my ski lesson. We'll see.

I will probably go to the gym tonight. The gym is my friend. There is a community of exercise addicts that meets there regularly. They are kind of freaky people. They sort of remind me of the characters in that John Irving book....which one again...Hotel New Hampshire? Did that book have a midget, sorry, a little person, in it? Well freaky or not, at least I will not be out with Mr. Dine and Dash and his mother...

wishing you all a night of fun,

A Curd of Thanks

2008-02-21T16:05:00.003-05:00

Thank you Balderson Cheese Factory for all of your hard work. You make the best cheddar and marble cheese in the world.

love Tabby

Tales From The Apartment

2008-02-20T21:52:00.003-05:00

I think the woman who lives downstairs from me has Alzheimer’s. The first few times I met her in the driveway, I just had no clue what to make of our encounters. In true insecure Tabby fashion, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason. Her affect was so strange and she was friendly, but vacant. The last two times I’ve seen her have been pretty funny. It’s like she watches me pull up, and the second I am up the stairs she comes and knocks on the door. Then she completely lets herself in, comes up the stairs into the apartment, and we stand there looking at each other. Literally. For minutes at a time. It’s painful. I ask her question after question that meets with no reply...

Today she told me that her driver’s license was taken away “for medical reasons” and then she offered for me to start parking behind her car since she can no longer drive it. The thing is, I already have a pretty great parking spot so...I couldn’t really figure out if there was a reason why she wanted me to move my car or...was she just trying to be helpful? Unfortunately for her, the minute I walked into my apartment today, I basically unleashed an entire day’s worth of repressed farts. I was relieved when she didn’t pass out from the smell and tumble down the stairs further damaging her fragile brain. My only hope is that she will not leave a cigarette burning unattended downstairs causing me to perish in my sleep sometime in the next 6 weeks.

Maybe there’s something about this apartment that brings out crazy behaviour in people. A couple of weeks ago I had a date here that ended in the most bizarre way imaginable. Granted the circumstances were a titch strange. I met this guy on the cross country ski trail of all places (I’m just learning to skate ski and I’m really terrible). We started chatting and kind of hit it off. So we tried to make plans and surprisingly I was kind of busy that week, and then I was on call that weekend, and very reluctant to make “going out” plans. So I told him if he wanted to stop by on Saturday night and maybe have a beer and watch the hockey game, that would be great. He accepted and brought over some dinner.

Anyway, it super casual. I mean we don’t even know each other. And I thought we were having a good time. I was shining my light on him and making an effort to be charming. If I say so myself, I looked pretty cute that night. So, here is where things get wonky. We had our dinner, and some laughs. The hockey game was on. At some point, around 9:45, I got up to go pee. I was gone for about 45 seconds. When I came out of the bathroom, he said he needed to go too. He was in there for about 2 minutes. When he came out, I heard him mumble something and then he went straight over to the hall closet and got his coat out. I said “what did you say?” He said “I’m gonna get going”. It was totally weird. He was basically out the door within 45 seconds. I was left standing there in shock. He emailed a couple of days later to say thanks, and then this week he emailed again to see if I wanted to go out for a beer this weekend with him and one of his friends (and possibly his mother, I’m not clear on that).

I was totally bewildered, so I’ve been doing an unofficial survey to get to the bottom of this. Here are some of the current theories on what might’ve happened:

1. JBro was the first to hear about this and her immediate thought was that he had diarrhoea, or was about to, and needed to dash in a hurry. This is by far the most popular theory. He could’ve just said so if that was the case. I’m a doctor after all. These things don’t bother me.

2. I was wearing red corduroy pants that night and a light pink long sleeved T, with a black hoodie. It sounds kind of odd, but it looked great. Pesto believes that the pink/red combo was too bold and frightened him away.

3. It’s tempting to think that he came across something sinister in the bathroom, but there is just nothing conceivable that would’ve been offensive to him. Nothing.

4. Did he find something scary in the living room or kitchen? Highly unlikely.

What do you think? Also, is it wrong that I don't want to go out for beers with him and his army buddy and his mum on Friday?

xot

No sleeping on the toilet!

2008-02-18T22:24:00.004-05:00

I’ve had a few requests lately to bring Tabby back to life...I will try.

This evening finds me just back in North Bay from a long weekend in Boston with Tirunesh. We were dying for a little getaway, so we booked a last minute adventure.

Things started out with a bang when we almost missed our flight out on Friday morning. They also ended in true Air Canada fashion with a flight that was over an hour late boarding. Then just as the plane was about to shove off, all of the passengers we forced to deplane and then replane again just for shits and giggles. It was terribly tempting to consider this an omen and just stay in Boston a little longer...

Our hotel was the lap of luxury. We walked all over town, shopped, visited the aquarium, ate yummy food, met great people, visited Harvard, and partook in a complete debacle on Saturday night. It was very therapeutic and it kind of sucks to have to get back to real life tomorrow.

At least I am doing psychiatry right now, which I love. I’ll see about sharing a tale or two tomorrow. For now I am completely bagged.

xot

In the Ghetto...

2007-09-12T22:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life is really tough slugging. I guess you could say I’ve had a rough go of things lately. Occasionally, I am tempted to feel a little sorry for myself. I’ve been heard to utter that I will likely end up alone in a condo with 50 cats who will reluctantly eat my rotting corpse when I die in the apartment and no one discovers my body until the stench and meowing become overwhelming….

Despite my urge to self deprecate, I am (pathologically) comforted by the social failures of my current patient population. I’m doing family medicine in a northern city and on Wednesday evenings we do a walk in clinic. The clinic is in the ghetto. I have never seen so many sorry sorry people in one place in my life.

One third of the patients are seeking narcotics, and none too pleased when denied their fix. 61% are just really depressing people with very hard lives, who seem to repeatedly make poor choices, and/or are shit on by the Gods of fate. 5% are reasonable people with real illnesses that are not related to the fact that they are sedentary, weigh 300lbs, smoke, drink, and do drugs.

It’s a little distressing that I have already become so cynical about things; however, I take comfort in the fact that my life could be much worse. Also, it makes me never ever want to work in a walk in clinic, because the care we provide is so limited and poor compared to what we can do in my preceptor’s regular office.

I’m totally wrecked from from this 14 hour day.

Gericatrics!

2007-08-07T22:03:00.000-04:00

I have moved out of my little psychiatry nest and am currently doing a rotation in geriatric medicine. If you ever have to do a medicine rotation, geriatrics is a good one. Why? Let me tell you. The patient population is unbeatable. With the exception of the totally insane, there is no one I think I’d rather work with. These elderly gaffers are (for the most part) extremely cute and totally respectful. Many of them have some degree of dementia, but this just renders them ever more adorable to me.

The other thing is that they all have a lot of stuff wrong with them and, on average, I think they take about 45 medications each (okay maybe 12 or so, but you get the point). This means that you can actually learn some stuff about medicine while working with the extremely cute patients, and their extremely cute spouses and/or families.

Another plus is that physicians who choose geriatrics tend to be people who really welcome a challenge and love working with elderly people and their families. Let’s face it, it’s not all that glamourous, and the pay is not what it is in other subspecialties of medicine. So, the staff are wonderful role models of what comprehensive humane care should be.

In particular, the doctor I am working with this week is totally amazing. She is so smart and kind, and loves to teach, which means we are working fairly hard, but learning a lot, and doing so in an environment that is conducive to feeling good about yourself. I couldn’t ask for more and will be sad to have to switch doctors next week. She said herself that we are “simpatico” and I think she hit the nail on the head. It’s so refreshing to work with like-minded people in a place where many people operate in a selfish bubble.

This morning I had to accompany a patient we were transferring to a mental health hospital in a taxi to make sure she got there okay. She is 92 years old and totally manic. It was an absolute circus and I loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, in all of the commotion, I accidentally left one of the patient’s bags in the back of the cab. It was a complete shit show trying to get it back. Apparently, taxi companies no longer use radios with their drivers. I find this a little hard to believe but whatever. The situation was also complicated because I think the cab driver was totally colour blind. He was insisting to the dispatcher that his cab was blue, while I would pretty much stake my life on the fact that it was gold. Regardless, he was none too pleased to have to come back with Mrs. SoandSo’s bag. I didn’t really care because I had given him a pretty good tip.

So, now I am going to read an article about mixed dementia, which I am pretty sure I have, and then go to sleep. There are not enough hours in the day, and moving is the bane of my existence.

xot

So very sleepy

2007-08-01T23:30:00.000-04:00

My dear friends,

I had promised myself I would write tonight. But the evening has passed and we are headed for midnight. I’ve been doing paper work and paying bills all evening. We are in the process of moving out, so I am changing all the bills and doing all of the scut that comes with moving. Also, the house looks like a place that would be featured on one of those TV shows where people come in and recoil in horror at the way you live and then spend anywhere from 30-60 minutes berating you and teaching you basic life skills.

Anyway, I am too tired to write much. But just by way of update, I should let you know that I have started my residency training. I am absolutely thrilled with my choice of specialty, and that’s a pretty great feeling. The unfortunate part is that I must now spend the next year rotating through specialties in which I have very little interest.

I’ve seen some pretty crazy shit already, and I feel like I should start some kind of log of off the wall things I hear from people. The mind is infinitely fascinating.

I love and miss you all. Hopefully, the blogging hiatus is over. I can promise nothing about the timing of my next post as my credibility is completely shot.

À bientot mes petits chattons,

Tabby McT

It's coming....

2007-07-18T10:08:00.000-04:00

Mon Dieu! I thought my readership was lost. After all, I've been so neglectful over the past year. And here you are, unconditionally loving me, and encouraging me to bear my soul once again. I'm touched.

It's hard to blog about work while at work, but I will try to post something soon. I have house guests this week, and am camping this weekend, but as soon as I can I will try and draft something witty and/or slightly interesting.

Don't get your hopes up though my friends, I lead a boring and somewhat disillusioned life these days.....I do like my job though, so that counts for something..I guess.

xot

Tabs is back!

2007-06-26T20:39:00.001-04:00

Friends,

I am back. Facebook has lost its charm. I am ready to blog again.

T

Facebook Claims Another Victim

2007-04-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

I succumbed to the pressure to join, and now Facebook is eating me alive. I will most certainly fail my licensing exam now, but at least I will have reconnected with people I have neither seen, nor spoken to since grade school. In my mind this is a far more pressing and noble pursuit.

Wherever you may be, I hope you are using your time more productively than I.

xo tabby

And the winner is.......

2007-03-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

Many of you have been asking about the match results. It’s not fair to have kept you waiting so long. Here’s what went down:

The weeks leading up to our rank order list deadline were tough. Bobcat and I were trying to decide whether we should rank our individual first choices (which were not in the same city), or take a chance on love and couples match. In the end we decided to compromise and put our relationship first.

Now those of you who’ve known me for a long time are probably shaking your heads a little in disbelief. Tabby choosing to put a relationship ahead of personal interest? It’s true. I have been historically selfish about career-oriented decisions. Honestly, I’ve had to be in order to get shit done. This was the first life-changing decision where I’ve even considered taking someone else’s best interests into account, and I can’t say it was easy. I can, however, say that when the time finally came for us to decide, the thought of being somewhere without my Bobcat was way more distressing than the idea of compromise (which was previously considered an expletive in my personal lexicon).

In the end, we decided to do a couples’ match. I ranked the Ottawa psychiatry northern program first, and Bobcat ranked the Northern Ontario medical school’s family medicine program first. We got our choice, and so the next couple of years will involve a fair bit of moving around. I will probably be in Ottawa for 3-4 months of the year, and we will try and spend the bulk of our time together in North Bay, with a view to possibility settling down there if we both like it. There will also be a brief stint in Sudbury this fall (unfortunately), which we are viewing it as an adventure as well. Apparently, they have sushi up there. My last couple of years will be mostly in Ottawa, and by then Bobcat will be long finished his residency.

So there you have it friends. If you had said to me even a year ago that things would unfold in this way, I would’ve suggested that you undergo a psychiatric evaluation. But now here I am. I won’t deny that this was a tough decision, but I think it was the best decision, and if you don’t take the odd leap of faith in this life, you just don’t move very far ahead.

Thanks to all of the Tabsters out there who made Carms a little more bearable. You know who you are: editors of various works of autobiographical drivel, writers of reference letters, billeters, givers of strategic advice, givers of moral support. You are all great friends. I sincerely hope you will consider either moving to, or purchasing a summer home in North Bay.

xotabby

paediatric surgery

2007-03-21T20:34:00.000-04:00

Surgeons are a special breed, even the paediatric ones. These days it is just so hard to get motivated, and the thought of rising at 5:45 to go to a job that I am not overly interested in, and where I don’t get paid, is not all that exciting. In fact, yesterday it was more than I could bear and I decided to play the sick card. It’s not something I do very often at all. I find it invites bad karma. This morning it was even harder to get up, but I knew I had to go to work. So I did. And it sucked. But I guess it’s possible to get through 2 weeks of almost anything. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

tabb

The Heart of the Matter

2007-03-07T18:50:00.000-05:00

I am doing 2 weeks of cardiology right now. It wouldn’t be my first choice of rotation, but I am paired with a classmate that I really like and we are emotionally supporting each other. Today I was extremely glad she was there with me. We had an emotionally exhausting day.

Our team consists of our staff, a first year resident, Bartycat (my classmate) and me. Yesterday our resident was post call, and today he had something else going on. So it was just Barty and me and the cardiologist. We have about 16 or so patients on the average day, and things are pretty busy. On Monday it took us forever to round (like 9-7:00), and so yesterday and today we were trying to be a little more efficient.

Things are not very organized, to say the least. The cardiologist is a nice enough guy, but he is that stereotypical specialist who is super knowledgeable about their field, but has no clue about anything else. Also, his bedside manner leaves a little something to be desired. So, Bartycat and I are always running around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to get things done, making sure that people’s constipation gets treated, and that elderly people are not being discharged onto the street at a moment’s notice with no ride home. We are essentially the social committee. I can’t speak for Barty, but I’m pretty okay with that for the next 2 weeks.

Well, today something happened that made me so angry I could barely contain myself. I know I have experienced the occasional conflict with my superiors in the past year and a half, but I don’t think I have ever felt as frustrated as I did today. I was barely able to conceal my rage.

It was a situation where I thought a patient’s best interests were not being respected, and the doctor had already made up his mind about how things should go, and he didn’t even have all of the information. He was ready to diagnose someone with metastatic cancer and stop her medical treatment and he didn’t even frickin’ know what the hell he was talking about.

I could not help myself. I spoke up, and when he didn’t listen, I spoke up again, and again. We were basically arguing in front of everyone (that’s how it felt anyway). Finally, he reluctantly agreed that we could go down to the radiology department and review some imaging studies that had been done in the past, and ask the radiologist what they thought. He did it in a super patronizing way, and I felt like punching his face in, but at least I was getting my way.

I remember one time when I was around 15, I was sitting on the stairs at my parents’ house and just started crying uncontrollably for no reason. It was weird, because I really remember thinking that I had no idea why I was crying but that my prevailing emotion was not one of sadness, rather frustration. I swear today I felt the exact same emotion. There was no way I would cry in front of that guy, but trying to reason with a patronizing brick wall is just about worse than beating your own head repeatedly against said wall, especially when the brick wall has the final say.

In the end, the radiologist agreed that there had been no adequate evidence of metastatic cancer on any previous study. It’s a long story, but there was also a nephrologist involved, and she had been privy to the whole exchange. When I phoned her to let her know that the situation had changed, she told me that she had agreed with me during the discussion/argument. It was a professional courtesy that I really appreciated because she did not need to let me know that she thought I was right, but it really made me feel better about sticking my neck out.

I don’t know yet if this patient has metastic cancer or not, but I feel relieved that she will at least have an MRI which can provide some definitive answers before we charge ahead and make decisions that will have major implications for this woman and her family.

My staff decided to spend the balance of the day educating me on quality of life and health resource issues. He probably wants to fail me, and essentially told me that I am a big bleeding heart (which I imagine must be very disconcerting when you are a cardiologist). He tried on about 7 separate occasions to explain to me the concept of medical futility. I resisted the urge to unleash the fury, and fill him in on everything I know about medical futility, health care resources, and end of life issues.

The day was a mental marathon, but as Bartycat pointed out at the end of it all, we probably had a positive impact on someone’s health care, at least I hope so. It just would be nice not to have to fight those battles.

I love pediatrics and primary care so much. A rotation like this one just drives that home.

Tabs

Cat Scratch Fever

2007-02-28T23:16:00.000-05:00

Hey All,

I’m rounding the bend on this paediatric infectious diseases elective right now. Only 2 more days to go, and it’s killing me. The hours are ridiculously long, and I don’t get a chance to even piss on most days, which means that when I get home, I pee out a quantity of super concentrated uric acid. Not surprisingly, it burns when it comes out. Then I worry because I think I am getting a bladder infection. And it you’ve ever had one of those, you know that the thought of having another one is virtually petrifying.

So there you have it, an update, of a sort. In between brain abscesses and acute rheumatic fever, I am worrying about our residency match. It is the source of many a blowout in this house right now. I like to think that things are being resolved, but on most nights lately, I go to bed totally wiped out from the combination of worrying about my patients and worrying about my own future.

Otherwise, things are good. It’s nice to be home, and I am loving sleeping in my bed, and making dinner in my kitchen. It’s great stuff.

Again, I must cut this short to go hit the sheets. I’m spent. I know, I know, this post is strikingly similar in content to the last. Not much has changed.

I will hopefully have some exciting stories to share from out Yurt Adventure after this weekend. And, next week I will be a cardiologist, so that's got some potential too.

xo tabby

Update Vittles

2007-02-22T21:35:00.000-05:00

It’s been a long time, I know. Since we last talked, I have been to Toronto, where I interviewed for a residency position at Harvard North. Because I was in the T-dot anyway, I decided to make a little vacation out of it and spent the weekend with Tiger and Turtlecat. We had a great time. One of the highlights was dinner at George, a friggin’ great restaurant. I also saw Tamcat and my friend Sarah. On the Monday I took a little road trip out of the GTA to visit with my friend Peach and her baby girl Asha. We had a great day of fun.

I’ve been home now since last Tuesday, deciding to cancel my last interview because I had limited interest in matching to family medicine at McGill. This week I started a paediatric infectious disease elective. I had set up the elective when I was considering applying to peds, and decided to keep it so that I could finally solidify my knowledge of antibiotics. Well, I’ve been working really long days, and it’s kind of hard stuff. I like it, but I just cannot imagine working these kinds of hours when I am done residency. It reinforces my decision to choose something that will be stimulating and great, but not all consuming. I can’t imagine how much reading I would need to do in order to stay up to snuff on all the latest bugs and drugs. Plus, I don’t understand the first thing about bacteria and viruses.

Anyway, things are going well, and I have some funny stories to tell, like the one about when I went to my UofT interview, got there late, and then burst in on a presentation in a room filled with about 60 dark-suited people. Worse still, I had thought that everyone had breakfast already, so I grabbed a couple of Danishes and some juice in the way in. imagine my surprise when I realized that the extensive spread of food was actually for after the presentation! Then I tripped over a guy who turned out to be the program director, and there were no seats left, so I had to prop myself up on something for the hour long duration of the presentation - my Danishes in plain sight.

I would like to tell you more, but a couple of minutes ago, Bobcat and I re-opened the discussion on how we will rank our residency choices. It is a pretty sensitive topic, and I had to stop part way through the discussion and ask for a recess. I felt the rage building up inside of me, and I know in my heart I am just too tired for this right now. As such, I am going to head to bed.

I will rise early tomorrow to look over the ins and outs of meningitis. The day is already shaping up to be super busy, so I will need to have some beauty sleep if I’m going to tackle it properly. Plus, we have curling tomorrow night.

Tomorrow if I have the energy, I will tell you all about how I suspected Henoch Schoelien Purpura in a kid I saw this morning, and that is what he ended up having! I was pretty proud of myself indeed. It kind of offset the fact that I had said “I don’t know” in response to about 60 questions posed by my staff doc.

Okay, good night. I hope you all sleep tight.

Tabby xo

Home at Last

2007-02-05T00:19:00.001-05:00

It is midnight on Sunday. We just got home. I am exhausted, constipated, and grumpy. The next few days will consist of taking Metamucil q4h, running, and sleeping – plus 3 interviews in Ottawa between now and Thursday. Thankfully I have tomorrow off.

xot

Hair Balls

2007-01-30T18:37:00.000-05:00

I tried posting the following entry last night. Unfortunately, Blogger was not cooperating and I had to go to bed before I acutely lost my shit. Today I was at Queen’s. My showing was not nearly as good as yesterday at McGill. I got up at 4:30 to catch the train. I slept the whole way and got to the interview in a tired stupor, with my contact lenses glued to my dry dry eyeballs.

The interview was a total circus. Their questions were silly. Twice I had to say that I had no specific example to illustrate the stupid question they were asking. I found out later that some of my colleagues just made shit up. For example “can you give an example of a situation you encountered in clerkship where your values were in conflict with those of the patient? How did you handle the situation?”

My response: “No, I cannot give you an example of that type of situation. It is not one I encountered. A more likely scenario would be for my values to be in conflict with those of a preceptor.” Then I told a lame story about how this guy last week with severe alcohol dependence and frostbite asked me for some analgesia. I told them I didn’t give the guy any. Then they gave me the fifth degree on what addictions services would be available in Inuvik and asked me what I arranged for follow-up. I hated the whole process and developed a severe headache part way through.

Anyway, I am home now. off to BC tomorrow. Here is last night’s post:

…Today I got up at 0 dark thirty to catch the train to Montreal. I read my interview stuff for like 20 minutes and then the sun came up. It was beaming so brightly in the window and I felt so nice and warm, that I could do nothing but curl up like the little cat that I am and have a good long nap. It was 4:30 am in Inuvik after all.

We rolled into town yesterday afternoon after a lovely weekend in Edmonton with Mandykins and Mattcat. My parents picked us up at the airport, and we basically hit the ground running, trying to get ready for this morning.

My trip to Mtl was uneventful. I love the train so much, and fervently believe that Via Rail offers the best value for service in Canadian travel. The weather was bloody freezing though, and due to a last minute wardrobe malfunction, I had to wear a skirt and my nylon-clad legs felt like popsicle sticks in the wind. It was actually intensely painful. I never felt that cold in Inuvik, probably because I would not be stupid enough to dress so inappropriately for the weather.

It was only marginally warmer when I arrived at the building where the interviews were being held. I have never been so cold indoors in my life. Everyone was freezing, even the men. I think they must’ve had a problem with their furnace or something. I had to apologize part way through my second interview, saying something to the effect of “I’m sorry for shaking so much. I am not nervous, just a little cold”.

To which the interviewer replied “a little cold? It’s ridiculous in here. I don’t know what the hell is going on.” I must admit, I felt relieved. I was so cold, and shaking so much in between my interviews, that I spilled a good amount of coffee on the floor in the waiting room. Suffice it to say, it cramped my style.

Two people from my class were also interviewing today, which was nice. I wish I could say how it went, but it felt kind of weird. There were two 45-minute interviews with staff, and a short individual meeting with the program director. All of the sessions were fine, but were more like relaxed chats than structured interviews. Neither of them seemed to be working from a prepared list of questions, just having a casual chit chat about my accomplishments and interests. I had some nice feedback too, but it is just so hard to say what is sincere, and what they say to everyone so that they will rank their program.

So, tomorrow I am off to Kingston, where I will again put my best foot forward. I don’t really want to match to Queens, so the pressure is not exactly intense. Still, one likes to make a good impression.

McGill surprised me today. There were actually a lot of features of their program that make it a good fit for me. It dawned on me this afternoon that this whole process is going to be very difficult, but exciting in some ways too.

I am going to head to bed now because I have to get up at 4:30am.

Wrapping Up

2007-01-24T01:12:00.000-05:00

It’s hard to believe, but our sojourn here in Inuvik is already drawing to a close. It’s gone by incredibly quickly, and has been quite fun. Last weekend was especially action packed. Friday night we were invited out for some more curling, and afterwards, our team had a little house party at the skip’s house. There were a few Scottish people in attendance, who brought with them many a moment of side-splitting hilarity.

On Saturday morning, we got up early to rent a car. Actually, we rented a Yukon, in which 5 of us drove on the ice road to Tuktoyaktuk. We cruised way up past the tree line and walked out onto the Arctic Ocean. Despite being dressed very warmly, it was farkin’ cold, and the wind was so biting that, after a couple of minutes, I felt like I was standing out there buck naked. We took pictures at the end of the TransCanada Trail. It took us a while to figure out what the sign was commemorating because the thing was pretty much covered in ice.

After driving around for about 5 minutes, we had a pretty good handle on Tuk. They have an interesting thing up there, actually. I figure it’s the equivalent of a community garden “down south” (meaning like Edmonton, or Ottawa, or something). Instead, they have a community deep freeze. They’ve dug these caves down into the permafrost and in the summer they keep their meat down there. Pretty neat eh? I guess they’ve been doing it that way for hundreds of years.

Aside from the Beaufort Sea and the above mentioned highlights, there is very little to do in Tuk. There’s one restaurant in town which serves contaminated food on the rare occasion that it is actually open. It was not open during our visit, unfortunately. There are two other small stores. The Northmart, and Stanton’s. After a brief dip into the Northmart, we stopped by the health centre, which is staffed by two nurses. We were just stopping in to say hi and maybe hoping to use their bathroom. Instead we had a super freaky experience involving a rapid cycling bipolar nurse, some scrambled eggs, and canned fruit. I won’t elaborate further.

We got back later than we thought on Saturday, and were treated to just a tiny taste of Aurora B. on the trip back. We also got to see the work crews out flooding the ice road, which is pretty interesting, especially when the auger breaks through the ice and water shoots up.

Driving on the Mackenzie River is kind of cool, very curvy. Our vehicle happened to have Onstar, and we heard someone’s funny story about breaking down on the ice road and hitting the Onstar button. Apparently, a frantic voice immediately flooded the car yelling “Get out of the car. You are over water. Get out of the car.” It’s probably folklore, but it’s a funny story nonetheless.

So Saturday night we went to another dinner party and were pretty exhausted when we finally fell into bed. On Sunday we went dogsleding. It was extremely fun. But like the perpetual 2 year old that I am, I could not resist the urge to give my dogs a great big snuggle after our run. Those bitches ran their assess off after all. I paid the ultimate price since I am totally allergic to dogs, and my eyes frequently swell shut when I play with them. You may recall an incident which occurred in Calgary last September. Also, at Christmas, my eyes were swollen shut for 2 days.

Anyway, I broke out in the itchiest hives in the world, all over my face and hands, and ended up having to take 50mg of Benedryl, which pretty much knocked me out cold. I was in bed by 8:30pm. I can, however, report that I am now hive-free and, all in all, it was a very fun weekend.

Yesterday I was on call for 24-hours. I spent over 2 hours doing an admission in the middle of the night, which my staff sauntered in and signed (took him 4 minutes). This morning, he said to me “what a great night last night eh?” I almost barfed in his face. Then I witnessed an act of professional bullshit wherein 2 physicians volleyed an elderly Inuvialuit man back and forth for a couple of hours, neither wanting to have him as their patient. When one of them instructed me to tell the other that he should take the patient, I finally put my foot down and said that she should tell him herself, and that it was well outside of my comfort zone to be acting as a mediator between 2 physicians. They sorted their shit out. The patient is as cute as a button.

Bobcat is on call tonight, and is currently dealing with a patient who took a bottle of iron pills and tried to hang himself. There are hoards of psych problems up here. Ironically, I personally have seen very few psych patients. I have never been coughed on so much in my life though. Kids and babies have no manners. I exact my revenge by making them gag with a wooden tongue depressor.

So tonight I am making lists of things that need to happen before we leave here on Friday morning. It feels like we’ve just arrived. We will spend a day in Edmonton with Mandykins and Mattcat on Saturday and get home Sunday, just in time to begin my travel marathon in Montreal on Monday. I just want it all to be over. Plus, I think I’m gonna need to buy a girdle in order to fit into my suit. The median BMI up here is about 33, and I have been heading in that direction myself.

I can’t wait to be done interviews and at home for weeks on end. I plan to yogafy and run, and feel joy. The bed here has probably permanent damaged my back (either that or I have Fibromyalgia) and the puffy rubber pillows leave a lot to be desired. They are like sleeping on an inflated balloon.

Okay, I hope everyone is excelling in their chosen fields. I miss you all.

Love
Tabs

One for the Record Books

2007-01-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

Thursday night was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It’s hard to put into words actually, but I guess magical is really the best descriptor.

I was on call in emerg when a 71 year old man was brought in from a nearby community with belly pain. We worked him up and decided that he had a surgical abdomen and needed to go out to Yellowknife and see a surgeon ASAP.

With a call to the medevac team, Rick the paramedic came over to the hospital and the pilots went to the airport to get the plane ready. We were pretty worried about the patient. His vitals had become a titch wonky, and he was becoming delirious.

I had heard that if the weather is decent, and there aren’t too many people in the plane, they sometimes let the med students go out on the medevac flights. So I figured I would take my chances, and sheepishly asked if maybe I could go along. Rick said I needed the doctor’s permission. She said yes, as long as I picked her up a 20-pack of Timbits in Yellowknife. I thought that was reasonable request. Then Rick phoned the pilot to make sure it was okay. He said yes too. I felt overwhelmed with excitement, and then a little worried for a second because a plane crashed not too far from here last week and 3 of 4 people on board were killed.

As you know, risk is proportional to reward and I really wanted to go. Also, last summer in Algonquin Park, I chickened out of jumping off of this little cliff and I’ve been pissed off about it ever since. So I was not going to make that mistake again. I raced home and put on 17 layers of warm clothing. I could barely move but it was minus 40. Also, as Bobcat pointed out, if the plane goes down, you don’t want to have to rummage around for your clothes and try putting them on with a broken pelvis…okay, I am being a bit dramatic here…It was cold, so I dressed warm.

The plane ride to Yellowknife took about 2 hours. We had great tails winds. The patient had responded well to the 5mg of morphine he’d had right before leaving, and aside from the occasional PVC, he was stable and calm. We dropped him off without incident. I was sad to leave him actually because he was a really sweet old man, who had no family with him, and he seemed scared and confused.

So, with our patient safely in hospital, we headed off to Timmy Ho’s to meet up with the pilots. Coming from Aklavik and Inuvik, Yellowknife seemed humongous to me. We drank delicious coffee and hung out while the pilots had dinner. Then we were on our way back to the airport.

Flight plans were created and fuel was added. We were on our way. Our pilots were Craig and Crystal. Both were friendly and fun. We were flying into a huge headwind, so the trip back to Inuvik was expected to take 4 hours rather than 2.

Here is where things get magical:

After we took off and reached our cruising altitude, Craig the pilot turned and asked me if I wanted to have a go at flying the plane. I pretty much peed in my pants and lept forward, ready to accept his offer.

It’s pretty tight in those little planes, even more so in the cockpit. I was wearing a lot of clothes and a huge pair of Sorels, and had a very real worry that I would be smashing things up like a bull in a china shop up there. But I managed to squeeze myself in and the next 3 hours were unbelievable.

Sitting in the dark cockpit on such a cold and clear night, it seemed like the stars were all around the plane. I felt like I was flying in space. Between the 2 of us, we saw 5 shooting stars without even trying. Then, as if this wasn’t enough, we were treated to an amazing and huge display of Aurora Borealis. Only we were flying through them. I am not joking, this show lasted for hours. Crystal and I alternated between quiet awe, and looking for shapes in the Northern Lights. I will never forget it. It was one of those serene and beautiful times in your life where you feel overwhelmingly compelled to believe in God, or some other higher power with serious esthetics skills. If there is in fact a God, I am certain this is where he spends his nights.

That’s not all. The pilots let me have a shot at manually descending the plane from 28,000 to 24,000 feet. It was super scary but I managed to avoid having an MI as we dipped down into the dark unknown (definitely suffered some angina pains though). It’s hard to keep track of descending gently and keeping the plane level at the same time. I enjoyed it, but was happy when we turned the autopilot back on. The pilots also practiced and emergency descent for us two, where basically the plane nosedived while we held on for dear life in the back. I learned all kinds of interesting things about planes.

Anyway, as you can see, I had a really exciting time. By the time we got back, fueled up, put the plane in the hangar and popped by the hospital, it was almost 5am. It was also -49 degrees out. I crawled into bed feeling like the luckiest cat in the world and stayed in bed until 11am.

affectionately yours,

tabby

Big Party Tonight

2007-01-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

Well, it wasn't as dramatic as one might think. At approximately 1:59pm, the sun, or rather a faint strip of yellow light, popped up over the horizon for a couple of minutes. By 2:03 it was all over. The only remnant was the pink dusky colour of the clouds above. I enjoyed the event from the second floor stairwell of the nurses residence where we are staying. Bobcat is on call today he missed the whole thing.

In about an hour, the bonfire will get underway, and then the fireworks are set for 7pm. I am really excited to get bundled up and walk over to the field where the whole town gathers. Bobcat will try and watch from the hospital parking lot.

Today, as I was walking home from the grocery store, where I paid an exhorbitant amount of money for a few staples, an Inuvik Fire Department truck drove by. As they were passing, they got on the loud speaker and said "don't forget about the fireworks tonight. they start at 7 o'clock." I interpreted this event as a special invitation just for me, and consuequently, I died inside.

I'm excited for our trip to Aklavik next week. We are taking the ice road to get there. The doctor told us that the place we're staying can be pretty sketchy and that we will have to bring all of our own food. Despite this, I am still excited because I am in the market for either some beaver or muskrat fur mittens. I've been asking around and apparently I might be able to track some down in Aklavak.

Have fun tonight, wherever you are.

love tabby xo

Tabby takes on the Great White North

2007-01-05T01:27:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone,

We just got in from a frosty long walk outside and, for me, sleep is not far. Still, I wanted to give my pals a shout out from 2 degrees north of the Artic Circle in Inuvik. We arrived up here on New Year’s eve. The trip was without incident and, much to our surprise, we were put to work almost immediately.

I can’t speak for the Bobcat, but I actually love it up here. I know what you’re thinking: how can it be that Tabby, the most cold-averse kitten on earth, is enjoying January in the Northwest Territories? I know, this fact has surprised even me. I guess when you are dressed for it, the cold is quite bearable. And trust me, I am dressed for it. I wear a full long john suit under my clothes everyday. When we go outside, as we did tonight, I put on 3-4 pant layers and 4-5 top layers. I also borrowed a pair of boots that are seriously the warmest I have ever worn. A good friend once bought me a pair of shearling mittens with soft fur inside. I had a serious brainwave and inserted them into the wind and waterproof shell that I bought. The result is hand warmth to the exponent 7. I love those fur mits.

Here are a few things I’ve learned since arriving (most of these reveal my complete ignorance about the north) :
1. 24-hour darkness is a bit of a myth. It does not mean 24-hour obscurity. While the sun is not officially rising at present, there are a couple of hours of dusky kind of light around 11:30 to 2:00. It is almost daylight during that time.

2. There are no polar bears here! I know, I was shocked too. On our first night here, I had a dream that I was crossing the hospital parking lot during a call shift in the middle of the night, and a PB bore down on me and ate me. I mentioned this to some colleagues the next day, and they all laughed their asses off and said “we don’t have polar bears here. you have to go some place remote like Tuk (what they all call Tuktoyaktuk) for that. They said rabid foxes are a far more realistic threat.

3. Many people are on crack. This place has a tonne of rock.

4. The license plates here are shaped like polar bears. They are the best in Canada.

Tonight we ordered a pizza because we missed our free dinner in the hospital cafeteria. It cost 37$. Suffice it to say that most things are extremely expensive here.

I will share more northern facts in my next entry. Now I am going to go to sleep. Saturday marks the first time in several weeks that the sun will rise. I think it comes up for like 7 seconds or something. Apparently, it flies across the sky. There will be a big festival and everyone in town drives to this field near the hospital to celebrate the sun and watch the fireworks. I can’t wait. The people here are really great. Kind and genuine.

Bonne nuit les amis,
Tabby

Vake at Last

2006-12-22T19:21:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone,

I am officially on vacation as of this afternoon. What a joyous sensation. I’ve really enjoyed my elective over the past 2 weeks, but have been feeling a little burnt out. I’ve been working with people with severe, chronic schizophrenia and it’s been really interesting and, at times, extremely entertaining. I just love working with patients who tell it like it is. Maybe that’s why I like pediatrics so much.

There are too many funny anecdotes to relay, and sadly, the most amusing moments are usually a consequence of someone’s deteriorating mental health. Still, I must share with you the story of a young gentleman we saw today with an unbelievably fixed set of delusions that he is affiliated with/related to a number of Hollywood megastars.

He is adamant about this stuff, which is somewhat entertaining in and of itself. However, by far the most hilarious part of our meeting today came at the very end when the patient insisted on demonstrating that he was in fact Mariah Carey. He proved this by giving us a sample of his multioctave voice. I usually don’t have to fight too hard to resist the urge to laugh out loud during patient encounters. But during the above performance, I almost died inside. I must’ve looked like I was having a seizure, shaking uncontrollably, and contorting my face in every which way. I thought my eyeballs would pop out. It was frickin' hilarious.

I had a similar, albeit slightly less hysterical, moment during my time in Benin. We were in a small village in the north working with a medical mission. I was doing gynecology that day, but actually a woman came in labour and I was able to determine that she was dilated to 4-5 cm with intact membranes. I wanted to deliver the baby, but we had to send her off with a midwife…

Sorry, I’ve digressed. So anyway, I was doing gynecology and pretty much everyone had a sexually transmitted infection. The patients and I communicated through an interpreter. This woman came and sat down and I asked the interpreter about the nature of the problem. She asked the woman while I waited, and then turned to me and said, in a totally deadpan fashion, that this woman’s main concern was that her body was actively rejecting her husband’s sperm. I’m sure the corners of my mouth must’ve turned up ever so slightly, but still, I calmly asked for more detail.

Well, as it happens this woman was concerned that after intercourse, all of her husband’s sperm was “leaking” out of her vagina. It doesn’t seem quite as hilarious now as while it was all happening, but let’s just say, I had to turn my head and take a brief moment to keep from breaking down. Come to think of it, I was very tired from staying up all night panicking about spider bites.

Did I mention that I sustained a large spider bite about 1 week into the trip which has left a semi-permanent scar on the lateral aspect of my right thigh? Yeah, it was about a 1.5 inch long lesion with vesicles that almost looked like a burn. It did not hurt and I discovered it incidentally.

Initially we thought a bug had burrowed into my leg, possibly even laying eggs. So, us 3 exceptionally bright and knowledgeable medical students, decided to create an anaerobic environment to draw the bastard out. We put a super thick coat of Polysporin on and then covered it up for a period of 24 hours. Well nothing came out, but I still have a scar. It has been painless all along, though incredibly slow to heal.

So, that’s about all I’ve got for now. I'm going out tonight for a little holiday cheer with some old friends. I will take the loser cruiser in an attempt to avoid freezing rain and driving under the influence. I wish you all a good Christmas, or whatever you might be celebrating at this time. Personally, I don’t much care for the holidays, but it is fun to have time off to spend with family and friends.

Big hugs and kisses

TT

Zem of the Day

2006-12-14T06:39:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I am examining a patient, I get a whiff of B.O. This happened twice yesterday. I find this distressing because, for a brief second, I have to pause and ask myself if I am the one with B.O. Then I have to try and figure out if I had a shower that morning, and whether I did a good enough job on the “hot spots”. Or, if I have had a particularly exertional morning, did I enlist appropriate antiperspirant support? Taking time out from a patient encounter to ponder these important matters can really hamper a budding physician’s productivity.

In Benin, most people have body odour. I understand this. Given the sweltering, crippling, oppressive heat, it would practically be a full time job to ensure that one never smells bad. Occaisional B.O. is almost inevitable. The same is not the case here in Ottawa.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this, but in Benin, most people commute either on foot, or on a ‘zem’ which is basically a crappy motor scooter. One interesting game we used to play was “Zem of the Day”. One day I saw a man on the back of a zem with three queen-sized mattresses on his head. People also walk around with a lot of unbelievable stuff on their heads, like we're talkin' Ripley's. But that is a different game, which I will report on later.

Have a good day my feline friends.

tabby

Back in O-Town

2006-12-12T20:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Readers,

Some of you have expressed concern about my lack of contact with the outside world lately. Well fret no more. I am safely home, arrived on Saturday night.

We left Benin on Dec 1st and then I spent a week in France. The trip from start to finish was a positive experience and I will write in more detail as soon as I get my bearings.

I am currently trying to battle a very recalcitrant case of jet leg, as well as, settle into my elective placement for the next two weeks. All of this has me quite tired, and frankly a little grumpy. Also, though I was well for the duration of my time in Africa, I had a minor health scare on my last day in France from which I continue to recover. Nothing serious as it turns out, just a lot of shit – literally.

Anyway friends, I am happy to be home, and excited to start sharing stories, both from my time away, and about the day to day here in O-town. I’ve decided that next time I go on a similar adventure, I will definitely bring my laptop because there is so much in the day to day that is worth putting into writing, and trying to retain it all without a proper canvass is nearly impossible for someone like me, with the attention span of a newt.

À bientot,

TT

Grottyville

2006-11-25T05:04:00.000-05:00

Hello Friends,

There is a certain threshold of personal crud and body odour beyond which one requires professional help before rejoining polite company. This is why I intend to visit a hamam during my sejour in Paris. At said hamam, I will be taken under the charge of a large middle eastern woman, who will strip me naked and then exfoliate my entire body for a generous period of time. The vigourness of her work will be considered a voluntary physical assult by most, masochism by others. I suppose those two are one and the same.

I simply cannot wait!

loving you all, and Benin too,

Tabby

Africa Shmafrica

2006-11-17T09:42:00.000-05:00

Allo les amis,

many apologies for the drought on this blog lately. if you could understand the degree of frustation associated with using the internet here, you would accord my some degree of leeway. it's too bad actually, because i have many interesting tales to recount that i suspect might be lost forever.

we have left the dirty and polluted city of Contonu where the hosptial was something out of a horror show. now, since tuesday, we have been in Abomey, which is a smaller, much more resonable place. the kind of place i used to think of when i imagined africa.

benin is a beautiful country. the people, despite being some of the poorest in the world, have a richness of spirit which is difficult to describe. there is unbelievqble poverty here, and we come face to face with daily ethical and moral dilemas that would make your heart sink in an instant. wearing a labcoat here, has given us great priviledge and also a very candid look at the reality of life for many Beninois. I will recount some experiences that have particulrly touched me at a later time. Currently, I am running out of minutes and the smell of body odour in this small room is almost overwhelming. Sadly, i think it may be coming from me. i have been washing out of a bucket for a week now, with only moderate success.

tomorrow we head offto the north of benin near the border with Togo to join a canadian medical lission which is currently up there. 3 of us will be there for about a week. i will send word next friday when we get back to Cotonu.

i hope everything is going well on the home front. i miss you all;

love Tabby

Tabby in Africa - frenetic and disjointed

2006-11-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

hey gang,

this post will be very brief, and not punctuated for 2 reasons:
1: the internet here is only marginally faster than snail mail and my time is running out.
2: the keyboard is a complete gong show in every way. perhaps pesto could shed some light on this?

i just wanted to let you know that i have arrived in benin safe and sound. no malaria or tropical disease yet, as near as i can gather.

there have been a lot of ups and downs in the short time we ve been here. most of the ups take place out and about. most of the dows are at the hosptial. many of the things i have seen have been extremely discouraging and shocking.

on the other hand, this place is fascinating, and the people are beautiful, especially the children.

we white folks are called Yovo. it is extremely polluted here...

sorry but i have to go now as i am out of time. this is disjointed and brief i know. i will try for a better post soon; but lets face it; trying to use the internet here is going to drive me totally insane.

i love you all and miss you perhaps i aill journal and recount the tales when i get home?

xo tabby

Apology

2006-10-28T23:27:00.000-04:00

Dear Squirrels,

I feel compelled to apologize for jumping to the conclusion that you were responsible for the phone problems we were having. As it happens there was some kind of problem with the lines a few poles over. You had not, in fact, chewed your way through the phone box outside.

Under the circumstances squirrels, I’m sure you can appreciate why I might’ve thought you responsible. A precedent had been set. Also, the way you’ve all been carrying on around here lately, one would almost think you own the place. Anyway, no hard feelings. I hope we can move forward. Truth is, I kind of like having you guys around. You’re quite cute and very agile. Some of your antics are down right entertaining.

All the best to you squirrels,

Love Tabby

ps – please accept my condolences for the loss of your brother last weekend

I love dairy products...

2006-10-24T18:57:00.000-04:00

..so much.

Tabs

The Squirrel Saga

2006-10-22T20:41:00.000-04:00

It is wonderful here at home. I’ve barely left the house all weekend. I am joyous, relaxed, and calm. I've laundered my clothing, languished in my flannel bed, and marveled at the cleanliness of my bathroom (after I cleaned it).

There’s just one little black mark on the weekend. It actually began several weeks ago when Bobcat and I became aware of growing static on our phone line. This problem has reached unmanageable proportions over the last 2 weeks, rendering our phone virtually unusable. I’ve been using my cell phone all weekend, even to call Bell Canada and let them know they better come over and look into this sitch.

This has happened once before, about 2 years ago, and it turned out that the squirrels who pretty much own the backyard had chewed through our phone wires. Based on the vibrant squirrel community I’ve observed in the yard lately, I have no reason to believe that this time is any different.

Well anyway, they’ve been getting on my nerves all weekend. The phone thing is super irritating, and I think they might’ve broken into the roof, because this morning, I awoke to a squirrel symphony above my head. They were pounding so hard I thought one was going to crash through the ceiling onto me. At one point, I heard a really loud noise, so I got out of bed all bleary-eyed and pulled back the curtains to find a gigantic black squirrel pulling a spider man on my window screen. I screamed bloody murder, told him to get lost, and got back in bed.

This afternoon I had to go to the airport to pick someone up. I was driving home down Halifax drive and a squirrel darted out onto the road. I swear to God I tried my best to avoid him. I shouted “hey, get off the road you!” He didn’t listen. I swerved. I braked. I did everything I know. But it was no use. He got caught under the wheels. I felt it and then I saw his mangled carcass in my rearview mirror. I wanted to go back and see if he was dead, but then 2 cars were coming, so I couldn’t.

In my extensive 13 year driving history, I can recall killing one small turtle, possibly a chipmunk, and likely hundreds of frogs. I’m not super granola or anything, but I feel really sad whenever I run over a living creature. The guilt over today’s carnage was compounded by the fact that I wondered afterward if some unconscious part of me, angry at the bastard squirrels taking over my backyard, didn’t perhaps run over that little guy on purpose.

tt

Home Sweet Home

2006-10-21T17:49:00.000-04:00

Hi all,

Just a quick update to let you know that I’m home. I came in last night on the greyhound bus – always an adventure. Montreal, though I love it more than anyplace, has been stricken with torrential rain over the past couple of days. This relentless rain led to an unfortunate series of events Friday evening when the cab I called did not come.

I was gunning it to try and catch the 6pm bus and becoming increasingly panicked about the cab. Eventually I said “f%#$ it” and charged out into the street with my backpack and two big suitcases. I felt empowered for about 20 seconds, and then I just felt cold and wet. It is a 15 minute walk to the bus station from where I was staying, sufficiently long to get soaked through. There I was, pathetic and drenched, frantically dragging 2 giant suitcases as they bobbed up and down and smashed against the uneven sidewalks of Mtl. I wanted to cry.

I burst into the bus terminal only to realize that I had missed the bus by about 2 minutes. Good grief. But….I made a new friend and we chatted the whole way home, so that was nice. Plus I was dry by the time we pulled into Ottawa.

All of the moving around lately has me totally wiped out, but it’s been very re-energizing being home. I slept like a baby last night in my bed, and my right hemiplegia was totally gone when I woke up this morning. Futons were invented by satan.

It is also great to be out of the ghetto I was staying in. My allergies were out of control and the mildew growing everywhere had a definite toxic mold vibe. Not good.

Some highlights of my 3 weeks in Montreal: four blocks of delicious cheese (2 Roqueforts, 1 Saint Aubin, 1 Camenbert Le Rustique). Excellent bread, great shopping, the ballet.

This week I witnessed an argument between the bus driver and a rider on the 535 bus I was riding. I had just left the psych emerg after a long day. The driver and this guy got into a huge argument and the bus driver had a temper tantrum and stormed off the bus, leaving us all there. I've never seen anything quite like it. Everyone was screeming at the bus driver to shut up and do his job. The police were called. It was total mayhem. I loved it.

Dr. X and I had lunch together the other day and it was perfectly lovely. He seemed astonished when I mentioned that most of our prior interactions had left me in acute distress. He said he thought everything was peachy keen. Go figure.

So I am home for the next 2 weeks, and then off to Benin. I have to finish all of my residency applications between now and then. Yuk yuk yuk yuk. I have bought groceries and am looking forward to quietly milling about my house all weekend, eating good food, and working on CARMS. Next week I start a child psychiatry elective with a preceptor that I absolutely love.

I hope you are all doing well. I saw a cat at Tristan in Montreal who looked exactly like Proscuitto. It was uncanny. I actually walked right up to him, stared at his face, and then slowly backed away with nothing but complete disbelief on my mind. That’s freaky shit man.

T

Tabby Loves Montreal

2006-10-03T21:56:00.000-04:00

Right then…where was I? …Eating my pho, minding my business, and the server/owner comes over to me, unsolicited and puts a fork down in front of me. I recoil, subtly, then look down at my food, hoping no one noticed. But there are only about 8 tables in this restaurant. So I glance over at the older woman eating across from me and she is leaned over her soup, looking at me out of the corner of her eye and laughing. So, I look up at her, and say “I don’t think the server has very much confidence in me.” At this point she loses all restraint and begins to chortle loudly. I start laughing harder too. I say something like “I thought I was doing pretty well. I certainly didn’t realize that I was embarrassing myself.” Then the lady asks me if I’ve ever eaten with chopsticks before. I tell her yes, on a large number of occasions. She is now in total hysterics….

So, we became instant friends. She told me all about her life. She lives outside of the city, very close to where my grandma’s family is from. One of her sons works in for CIDA in one of the Stans. The other has recently joined the navy. The navy guy is married to a Vietnamese woman and they are expecting their first child. She is a retired school teacher. I got the distinct impression that she is solo, but did not ask. She was lovely and we had a wonderful chat – all in French.

Just before she left, this guy came in, maybe 23-24 or so, and asked if he could sit by the window. Neither of us had any objections. My friend left and the young man turned to me and said, in English “you didn’t know that woman did you?”

I said “no”.

He said “what were you guys talking about?”

I said “ourselves”.

He said “well people really do love to talk about themselves the most don’t they?”

I said “yup”

Then I said “she was very kind and we had a wonderful chat. It was a complete surprise and the kind of interaction that makes me happy to be alive”.

He nodded.

Then we chatted some more, but he was giving me that naïve teen prophet vibe, trying to psychoanalyse me and shit, and it was making me a little claustrophobic, so I told him it was great meeting him but I had to bust out. Said I’d see him again sometime. We said joyous goodbyes. He told me that the regulars all order #41. I said I’d have it next week.

Now the other part of this story is that shortly after I had first come in, this hot looking stud, around my age came in and sat in his usual spot and ordered his usual meal. He initially came running over in my direction – literally, and then suddenly stopped and moved to another spot, where I could not stare at him probably (I have a long standing staring problem).

The guy’s eyes were burning holes into the back of my head. When I got up to pay my bill and leave he followed me with his eyes all the way to the cash, and then said to me “have a good night and see you later”. The guy was no creep. He was an attractive…okay he was a gorgeous, smooth-looking stud….

I didn’t understand. And still don’t. What was this interest in me yesterday? I swear to God people were turning their heads on the street. I can guarantee I did not look anywhere close to a million bucks. I probably looked like about fifty bucks. And in a city like this one, where people just look damn hot, my sudden allure baffled me. I came to believe that maybe my eye had once again swollen shut or I had a large amount of food on my face or something… but no. Maybe it was just because I was looking people in the eye?

I love this city. Today again, I walked around all over the place. I just really groove on the vibe of it. I decided that since I am speaking French all the time, I should just act French, and so I went to the liquor store, and the Provigo, and picked up some wine, baguette, cheese (Roquefort and St. Aubin), and some figues. I died of joy whilst eating it. I am still joyous – probably from drinking a half bottle of wine by myself.

This morning I saw Dr. X in the emerg department. It was to be expected, and I was glad not to be caught of guard. We had a 10 second interaction. He said “hi there” I said “hi” he said “how are you” I said “good. You?” he said “good. It is good to see you”. I said “you too” and walked away. Painless enough.

Xot

Twillight Zone of PHO !

2006-10-02T23:36:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone,

Last time I wrote, I believe I was stopped over in Edmonton en route to Toronto. I landed in the T-dot without incident and the wedding weekend was fun, but is a total blur. I got a great pedicure, landed some new jeans, rocked out with all of my loved ones Friday night, emcee’d a great wedding reception on Saturday. I must say, the wedding was seamless: Everything went off without a hitch. Turtlecat looked gorgeous and so did my bro. Reviews were of the rave variety.

So like I was saying, the weekend was a complete whirlwind. Not having slept on Thursday night, I woke up both Saturday and Sunday mornings feeling like a truck ran over my body. Yesterday we woke up a little later in the morning at 10 and went to a brunch at my aunt’s place. Then Bobcat and I went to the airport to catch our flights. We had booked separate flights out of necessity, but had hoped to change them last minute. No such luck. Air Canada in their generous way, had actually overbooked both of our flights.

But don’t fret, using words such as sitch and frustraish, I was able to communicate with the Air Canada agent, who was in my age cohort. She booked us both on a slightly later flight in business class and sent us to the first class lounge to take advantage of the amenities. We did.

We were already running quite a bit later than our ideal schedule and things were tight because Bob was driving me to Montreal last night so I could shrink heads here starting this morning. Somehow sensing this, Air Canada chose yesterday as the first (but probably not last) time to fuck up my luggage. One bag arrived, the other hung back in Toronto. Apparently they had some sort of falling out. Neither one is talking.

In any case, we had to go back to the airport and pick up my bag an hour later as it had stuff I needed for Montreal. We also had to stop at the Mofo to drop something off, and then we ate the dirtiest food I know of – McDonalds. It was delicious. Unfortunately, we both had night sweats therafter.

Today I started my new elective. It always feels horrible showing up somewhere when you have no clue what the hell is going on. That said, everyone was very nice, and I had a pretty good day. Also, I was able to use predominately Anglophone-ness to help them edit some brochure they had translated. They were talking about it in the team meeting this morning and my heart totally went out to them. It was like the reverse of me trying to write something in French. It sounded atrocious, as though they had entered all of the text into one of those Internet translators. Sook Yin Lee would've been proud. So, I made a few suggestions, and they took kindly to them. I think my time at this hospital will be good. Though I was a little dismayed when I realized that the bulk of my elective is going to be in French (I thought I was purposely choosing an English hospital), Ah ben, c’est la vie.

I am staying in a virtual stranger’s home. With another virtual stranger. who does not live here either. The stranger whose room I am living in, is living at my house. It’s like Wife-Swap, only more like Life-Swap. Anyway, so far it is working out well, and the girl who is here from Winnipeg is quite friendly and well-adjusted. Also, I managed to ascertain that she likes cheese. I welled up with tears when she said she liked blue cheese and immediately started making plans for the rest of our life together. Okay…well…maybe our next three weeks together….drinking wine, eating cheese, baguette, doing CARMS – that last part just made me vomit in my mouth.

One last thing I wanted to share with you is that tonight I had a crazy Twilight Zone – like experience. Hence the title of this entry. I took the bus home, and then decided to tool around in my neighbourhood a little. After all, I am right downtown (in a bit of a ghetto actually), and I frickin' love Montreal. I wandered around for a bit and then started feeling kind of hungry, so I scooted down to Chinatown to rustle up some grub. In much the same way as early man discriminated good food from bad, I used the “if people are eating there it must be good” method of restaurant selection.

I ducked into a modest looking Vietnamese restaurant and ordered a little something. Shortly after I arrived and chubby, older woman (maybe 55-60) came in and sat down very close by to me. We politely ignored each other for some time, but we were both solo and pretty much facing each other.

Our food came and we began eating, when all of a sudden…..

(I will have to finish this tomorrow night. I'm tired, and have to go to bed. Plus this post is getting too long….à bientot mes amis).

Tabs

YYC, YEG, YYZ, YOW, YUL

2006-09-29T01:27:00.001-04:00

Hey Gang,

I am in transit…again. I left Calgary at 9:30, and flew to Edmonton, which is where I am right now. At 0:55am, I will board another flight which arrives in Toronto at 6:55 am. Then, I will find a taxi, or benevolent soul heading downtown. I will arrive at the hotel, and dispose of my cumbersome baggage, begging for the earliest possible check-in time. I will scrounge up some breakfast and then make my way to my brother and Turtlecats’ place. We have pedicures booked at 10am. The esthetician will undoubtedly react with complete revulsion when she sees my feet. They are battered from weeks of walking all over Calgary. A mild case of cellulitis on my right foot is almost healed up now.

I haven’t posted much lately. Truth is, I am so happy to be done this elective it’s not even funny. The past three weeks have been excruciating on the academic front. I take solace in the fact that the new elective student who came on Monday also commented that the doc I worked with for two of my three weeks seems like a weirdo. That is the understatement of the century.

Suffice it to say, over the past week, I’ve adopted a pretty defeatist attitude. There was nothing to do and everyone was preoccupied with the move to the new hospital. Imagine going to work everyday knowing that you will have no choice but to sit around with your thumb up your ass, and that at the end of the exercise, someone will be evaluating you for it.

All things considered, my evaluation was fairly good, if not a little banal. She didn’t say anything bad, but certainly was not singing my praises either. I had decided pretty early on that I wouldn’t be asking for a letter, so the fact is, I just didn’t care about her feedback. If I hadn’t had the elective student from Western to keep me company this week, I think I would’ve had a complete meltdown. He offered me a place to stay when I interview in at Western. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that my soul would die if I had to move to London, Ontario for any period of time.

I did manage, while in Calgary to get a good haircut. While the haircut was good, the cosmetic results are understandably intermediate. When you’ve been terribly disfigured with a very short mullet, you need to stop by intermediate on your way back to good. I wish Brittiny could become my regular stylist in Ottawa. Her hair vision and skill were noteworthy.

So, now it’s off to McGill for three weeks of psych emergency, with a pit stop in Toronto for the wedding of the century. I’m pretty excited to see the fruits of my cupidic labours paying off so nicely. I mean what girl doesn’t dream of hand picking her sister in law. Trust me, some of my brother’s ex-girlfriends have left a lot to be desired.

I think I mentioned that I am pretty sure about psychiatry now, more so with each passing day. This may just be cognitive dissonance theory at its best, but then again who cares. As long as the decision feels good and well thought out, I don’t really give a shit.

I can’t believe that I leave for Africa in a month, and everything that has to happen between now and then. Next week is going to be the week of CARMS. I need to get all of my cover letters out to people writing me letters, and by the end of the week at least have a first draft of my personal statement. I will spend TG weekend in Sault Ste. Marie.

God….at the time that I booked my flight, it seemed so smart because it was cheaper and I would not have to book a hotel for Thursday night in Toronto. Now, as I prepare to take a nap at the airport, I feel like I should write myself a little memo about how much this sucks, and how good I’d be feeling if I were tucking into a soft warm bed with chocolates on the pillow and bottled water on the night stand.

Oh by the way, I had a long wait in Calgary after the shuttle dropped me off at the airport and I was starving, and a little parched. So I decided to branch out from my normal Timmy Ho’s dinner, and went to Montana’s where I could have a beer, burger, and fries – pure decadence.

Well, the service was probably some of the worst I have ever experienced. I came within a whisker of storming out and making a big scene. But then, I was so tired, and the beer, when it finally came, tasted like pure joy. My burger was also delicious, but the fries were grotty. So, I only got partial satisfaction after stepping so far out of my travel food comfort zone. I hope I do not suffer from intolerable flatulence on the plane. There is just nothing worse than holding in farts for like 5 hours. The pain is unbearable.

I hope all of my friends are doing well. I miss you – a lot. Hollycat, I’m sorry I did not get around to calling before I left for Calgary. I am brutal sometimes.

Xoxoxo Tabby.

ps - i saw a young woman on the bus this morning who was looked exactly like Ally Sheady in the Breakfast Club. It was uncanny.

quick note

2006-09-22T00:36:00.000-04:00

Buh-Juh Everyone,

Here I am, procrastinating from the hellish reality of CARMS. It’s like applying to university, or medical school all over again. It’s an administrative nightmare and I am considering hiring a personal assistant to help me out. I may also need a life coach to help me write a good personal statement

Today was another gong show. I showed up at the hospital at around 8am and was done my work by 11. I had a brief chat with my preceptor and she told me she was planning on heading over to the new hospital site. (the children’s hospital in Calgary is moving to a new building across town. The move is a huge process, and is happening in phases. It’s in full swing right now and the outpatient nephro clinic moved yesterday. There have been no clinics this week, and I think there’ll be none next week either. It’s making things a little slow on the learning side). I don’t know what in God’s name next week will be like.

So today I was done at like 11ish and then Hammie (as I affectionately call my preceptor), said she was thinking about heading over to the new hospital and I said that wanted to hang back because I really had my heart set on going to child psych rounds (in part because of the free lunch and also because I wanted to be among my people – even if just for one hour of the day). Yesterday I made the mistake of going with her to the new hospital and I ended up spending 4 hours unpacking her office for her and listening to her incessant bitching about how unhappy she was about her new office. It was to the point that when I left her for the day, I turned and said “chin up hammie, everything is going to work out. This office is fine.” So you can appreciate that I wasn’t up for a second dose of that today.

So there was nothing going on at our hospital. All of the patients were on simmer. Everyone was fine and there was nothing to be done. I said to her, “did you want me to just stick around here in case something happens? Or…..”

I was hoping for her to say something like “why don’t you go home after rounds? I’ll page you if anything comes up.” But she didn’t say anything like that. She said “yeah, stick around here.” So, I spent the afternoon watching Annie and having a nap in the residents’ lounge. Not very productive is it. At 4 pm, I said to hell with this and walked home, picked up my dry cleaning on the way.

Tonight we ordered Thai food for dinner and when Lee and I went to pick it up, we got stuck in a bit of traffic. We were chatting and slowly coasting down the road when I looked up and saw Hammie sitting in the window of a Shawarma and Falafel shop. I mean schlock, how many people live in Calgary? Just over a million or so? What are the chances that I would drive by and stop in front of Hammie’s dinner venue?

I averted my eyes and cursed my bad luck. The thai food was very delicious though.

Tabby

Fettucine Marinara

2006-09-19T01:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon my preceptor and her husband took me out for a sightseeing tour of Calgary. They picked me up here at the house, drove me around some neighbourhoods, showed me the downtown, and took me out for a latté etc. It was one of those gestures (we’ve all been on both ends of this scenario), where someone offers to do something they don’t really want to do, but feel somewhat obligated to do. The receiver of the “kind deed” also has no interest in participating, does not really want to accept, and in this case might even have a pathological level of anxiety about it.

So that’s how it went. She phoned on Saturday afternoon to see if I was interested, and I told her that until the weather improved considerably I would not be leaving the comfort of the house I was in. Having braved horrific weather on Friday night, I had no intention of heading out for some street shopping in the slushy, torrential, freezing cold rain. I mean crimm, even the dog was apprehensive about going out for a piss.

By Sunday I felt I had to accept the offer. She was being very persistent, which I just don’t understand since she seems to really dislike me. It wasn’t too bad actually, and they did give me some scoop on where to shop, and showed me the theatres and such. Also, I was able to turn the conversation to cheese whenever things were getting dry. After a couple of hours, they were talking about heading home, so I told them I would stay downtown, do a bit of shopping, and then just walk or bus home.

It was a very long walk, more than 60 blocks (probably half of it uphill). I like walking and could do so for hours, but I was stupidly breaking in a new pair of boots, which ironically I had bought at Feet First for the comfort factor. I have seldom felt pain like what I experienced on the last 25 blocks of that walk. At first it was just my right foot, and then slowly I became aware of a rubbing, jabbing pain on the medial aspect of my left foot as well. As the walk progressed so did my discomfort. It got to the point where every step was like having a knife jammed into my foot. Those last 30 blocks I was walking like a 10$ hooker in cheap stilettos with a bad case of the clap. I wanted to lie down in the grass and cry, but it was too cold to stop moving. Worse still, I had to take a detour to go to the grocery store so we could have lunch this morning. My friends were away for the weekend, so our nutritional needs for today were riding entirely on my shoulders.

A thorough examination when I got home revealed 2 badly macerated feet. Even today, I was walking funny at work. Just add that to the list of things that make me stand out.

I was asked to see a consult in the ICU this afternoon. It was a nephrology consult, but the patient had been admitted for bad congestive heart failure (like there’s any other kind). It occurred to me as I was examining her that this girl, despite being in severe heart failure with some kidney failure, requiring oxygen, and having profound cyanosis (like blue up to her elbows), had warmer extremities than I did. She kept asking me why my hands were so cold. I told her I was a giant freak with Raynaud’s and that my fingers were often purple just like hers. The nurses were laughing their arses off.

When we finally reviewed the consult, of course it was not up to snuff. Even though I had tired really hard, I had obviously omitted something that my boss thought was important. She has this way of making me feel inadequate that turns into a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was talking about this with my friend tonight. She agrees and had a preceptor that made her feel dumb once too….more on that some other time.

I took my hosts out for dinner tonight and we went to this tiny Italian little restaurant in strip mall, next to a used tire shop in Calgary. Because I know about 7 people in Calgary, none of them all that well, I wore my crappiest jeans, and did not bother styling what has recently become a mullet. With the exception of little pink, everything about me was unkempt. Well, fickin’ guess what…of course we ran into this couple I know from Waterloo…actually, I only know the guy, his wife I recognized but was never friends with. What are the odds? Also what are the odds that I would run into them looking like a Calgary Flames 3rd string farm team member after practice? Shit….

At least our food was very good, the weather is improving….and my eye is no longer in jeopardy….

I’m going to bed now. More tomorrow. I have to see some kid with hypertension, and try to figure out what the hell is going on in his blasted kidneys…

Much love
tabby

GERD!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

I’m pretty sure I have GERD. My preceptor this week is not very nice. She eyes me with absolute disgust. It is not only very cold in Calgary, but also slushy freezing rain is falling incessantly. Today I ate a half bag of Doritos in the residents’ lounge. They were not my Doritos. Also, they exacerbated my GER.

Yesterday morning my left eye remained nearly swollen shut. I had to steal some Benedryl from the poor little muffins on the pediatric ward. It remains slightly edematous at this moment and smaller than the right.

This has been the longest week of my life. Tomorrow afternoon can not come soon enough. This weekend I am going to go shopping for some party shoes, and work out some CARMS business. Between now and then, I just need to get through tomorrow morning’s clinic, which has three new consults. This means that I will be very busy. It also means that I will have to dictate 3 clinic letters. This would not be a problem, except that my preceptor insists that I dictate the letter with no notes, and that I do it perfectly, and that I get it done at warp speed in between patients. WTF lady? Do you have any idea how stressful it is to recall every frickin’ detail of a nephrology consult, including specific lab values, imaging, past medical history, medications, allergies, and family history – and then top it off with a well-organized impression and plan for future investigation and follow-up? It’s not a skill people were born with. It takes practice. I pride myself of my dictations, I think they’re usually pretty good, but I need a bit of privacy and more than 30 seconds to recount the entire story of a child’s life.

That’s all for now. More depressing drivel tomorrow.

Tabs

Trampled

2006-09-13T00:33:00.000-04:00

I can barely see as I am typing this. My left eye is swollen shut and rather than ask my very kind and generous hosts if perhaps they have some Benadryl and/or maybe a hit of Reactine, I am hiding out in my room, flushing contact solution into it, and hoping that a good night of sleep will erase my horrific, dysmorphic appearance. The people at the children’s hospital in Calgary already seem distrustful of me. I would hate to fuel their suspicions by walking in there tomorrow looking like I was in a bar brawl overnight. Truth is, I am just ridiculously allergic to dogs – well my left eye is anyway.

So there you have it. My first elective finds me out in Cowtown and doing pediatric nephrology for the next 3 weeks. It is super cerebral and generally right over my head. I feel stupid every minute of the day. This morning around 10:30 am, it hit me like a tonne of bricks that I do not actually want to be a pediatrician. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little muffins, and they seem to like me too, I just cannot bear the thought of doing a long residency, with ridiculous call, only to then have a lifestyle which is equally crazy in its’ own way. So, this week I am pretty sure I would like to pursue a career in child and adolescent psychiatry. I reserve the right to change my mind at a moment’s notice.

Calgary is pretty nice, though they are calling for rain and even snow by the end of the week. I am staying with 2 of my good friends out here. It’s pretty great being able to stay with people you know any like, especially when they are super kind and generous. It must feel like quite an imposition to have someone stay at your place for 3 full weeks, and yet they’ve been super cool. They also have a very cute dog, Clara, whom I will not be touching again during my stay here, unfortunately. I am debating walking to the store in my pyjamas. My eye is a slit, with a puffy, edematous golf-ball looking lid. There is sticky discharge.

The bed I am sleeping in is very comfortable and the neighbourhood is super interesting. But I miss my roommate, Bobcat. Plus, I feel like I have shit to do back home. Whoever said fourth year is fun was stupid and wrong.

I have to order my grad photos by tomorrow and they are a complete travesty. I can hardly bring myself to look at them, much less pay money to have them enlarged. I’d rather be paying to have them disappear.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m sure I’ll have some good stories over the course of this 3 weeks. Like this morning, when I looked at the sleeve of my cream coloured jacket after about 4 hours of clinic, and realized it was absolutely covered in some sticky brown material that smelled like banana, but looked like poo. Everyone had seen it hours before exept me. I wanted to die.

xot

Insulinoma Shminsulinoma

2006-08-29T23:07:00.000-04:00

Some know it all chick, an elective student from McGill, tried to pimp me out 3 times in clinic this morning. I am not a habitual pimper (in fact I really frown upon it), and I understand the pressure she is under to make a good impression, but shnoot, I only had so many cheeks to turn.

After the third pimping, I opted for a short course of revenge therapy with a quick dose of “what you are saying makes no sense, even at the most basic physiologic level”. Of course I worded this in the form of a sweet naïve-sounding passive aggressive question. She had nowhere to go after that. The natural order of fair play was restored, and the remainder of our time together was much more pleasant.

Oh the human animal.

T

Translucencies

2006-08-17T13:42:00.000-04:00

Last night Bobcat and I went out for a run. We were cruising through one of my favourite neighbourhoods when we came across a little kitty. He was super cute, so I stopped to say hello, and we had a moment. He had the cutest tabby-like stripes on his belly, pristine white booties, shiny curious eyes, and fabulous whiskers. Plus, he wasn’t wearing a collar.

He was very talkative, and told me his name was Theo. I was in love at first sight.

Well, after a few minutes of mutual affectionation, I finally tore myself away. It was everything I could do not to scoop him under my arm and take him home. But Bobcat insisted that Theo belonged to someone, and I figured it was probably true. How could I be responsible for breaking some little kid’s heart by stealing the family cat?

I almost didn’t have to steal him because he followed me for a long time, and then eventually watched me leave from behind a parked car when we got onto a very busy street. He would’ve come with me if I’d asked, I’m positive.

Sometimes it’s really hard to do the right thing.

This morning I joined a 90-year old British radiologist for 3 hours in a dark room. We looked at x-rays together, talked medical politics, and joked around about grammar gafaws. It was probably the most fun I have ever had sitting in a dark room playing magic-eye. As a general rule, I despise radiology.

Right now I am dying for a good cappuccino, but all we have here at the house is narsty Folgers coffee. When I finish school, after my victory trip to Viet Nam and Temagami, I swear to God the first thing I am buying is a gourmet coffee machine and 200 pods.

xot

Lazy Cat Vittles

2006-08-15T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hello Friends,

Sorry. There has been a paucity of posting lately. I’ve been doing a lot of this:

...and not enough studying or writing. I will try and post some premium material soon. I might even put the story of Vince into writing, finally.

love,
Tabby

The Mole Story !

2006-08-09T00:03:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day of dermatology. It also marked my return to adult medicine, which I should say I was not looking forward to.

In a move reminiscent of elementary school “snow day shenanigans,” I phoned the clinic this morning before leaving, just to make sure that it was not cancelled. The woman on the other end of the phoned sounded somewhat dismayed by my questions, probably because I was wearing my early-morning bedroom voice. I had brought the phone number up to bed with me last night, so that I wouldn’t have to even get out of bed if the clinic was cancelled. Well, it was not cancelled, unfortunately! I had to get up.

Anyway, there was a fair bit of entertainment value to my morning, so I really can’t complain. I was working with the army dermatologist, so I had to go to the military hospital and get signed in etc…

Interestingly, I went to the wrong door the first time around and the officers asked me if I was there for the “sick parade.” I said no, and followed their directions to the front door, all the while thinking to myself “what in God’s name is a sick parade, and why would anyone want to participate in such a twisted event?” I had visions of T.V.-style sick people in faulty wheelchairs, with bandaged limbs, and body casts, or people in traction with cervical collars, getting paraded around outdoors by a bunch of orderlies. The was music playing in my mind. Pretty nuts eh?

Shoot, I’ve gotten off track. Okay, so I’d been warned about the guy I was working with. Apparently he had chided one of my classmates for her bad posture and told another that she would need to have an offending mole removed from her face in order to lead a productive life. So I had my guard up a little. Well, this guy was a total riot. He was a mid 60s French Canadian guy with a chip on his shoulder the size of Quebec.

Everytime a patient came in, he ranted on a different topic. These ranging from the military’s poor handling of dermatologic services, to the poor quality of medical school training these days, to his ex-wife’s mishandling of affairs pertaining to their youngest son. I had no choice but to endure the insanity, but the poor patients….oh God, I will never forget the looks on their faces. Sheer horror.

It took me about 30 minutes to figure out that he wasn’t actually engaging in conversation during these tirades. In fact, he was totally indifferent to any comments coming from myself or patients x, y, or z. We all just sat quietly while he bestowed his wisdom upon us. Dude was also fanatical about moles, and had me freaking out about all of the precancerous lesions which are apparently coating my entire body.

Midway through the morning, we went for a coffee break. He suggested that he would pick up the coffee, but that I should bring my wallet because apparently theft is a major issue in our Canadian forces. In any event, he put it in his lab coat for me, which was nice. As luck would have it, a short time later, I was able to spot him 10 bucks to pay for some stamps he wanted to buy. How fortunate.

After the post office, we went to the caf, where this doc generously bought me a coffee. We then went to sit outside so he could have a smoke. What happened next was a very interesting social process: he lit up his smoke and started sucking away on it (obviously). I was totally minding my own business. First of all, like I give a shit if he smokes. Second of all, like I give a shit if he smokes!

Then, out of the blue, he looks over at me and says “I bet you will go home and write all about this in your diary tonight.”

I say “what are you talking about?” I’m thinking to myself, how on earth does he know?

He says “you will go home and write about how this doctor was smoking and what a hypocrite blah blah…”

I said “dude, we all have our poison. I really could not care less if you choose to smoke”

He then went on for about 10 minutes with justifications for why he smokes. All of the stress, how he wants to just ‘bang one off’ and die suddenly rather than go slowly….it was cognitive dissonance theory in complete action.

Then he says “so now you can go home and write an even longer entry about all of the excuses I’ve made for smoking.” I felt like replying "brother, this session is going to cost you at least 150 bucks."

Instead I said “perhaps I will do that. It certainly is an interesting psychological phenomenon, but dude, I really don’t give a shit about your smoking.”

Then we went inside. He tortured a couple more patients, keeping them in his office during his 20 minute tirades, looking at their moles for about 27 seconds, and then sending them away. Then he complained incessantly about how far behind he was in his day, but that his brain was full and he could not work quickly as he needed to clear it between patients (I swear to God I am not making that up). I felt like saying, maybe you should stop whining like a baby and do your job Smokey….

He also told me all about the past women in his life. I had a brief syncopal episode while he told me about his ex-girlfriend’s ectopic pregnancy, and how he would secretly watch her analysing every aspect of her scar in the mirror. WTF guy?

He also told me to forget about the possibility of being a good mom if I become a doctor. Essentially, he stated that I will never see my children and will be perpetually plagued with guilt. He nearly got a punch in the face for that one…

So there you have it. At noon he asked if I’d like to stay for the rest of the day. I politely declined, citing that I had several errands to run. Truth is, I could not have stayed one extra minute enduring his brand of negativity training.

have a million things I could say about him. Such a fascinating specimen. Despite his brash exterior, I found him to be a wide open book. Also, I think he is somewhat good guy, who works hard... Just needs the company of a little lady i figure. In fact, that is exactly what he said himself.

i have to go to sleep right now!
xot

Cool as a Cucumber Tonight

2006-08-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

Here is a photo of the path leading down the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. In July, this path descends into what feels like the fuckin’ centre of the earth on a hot day. It's unbelievably hot down there!

When I stepped out of the hospital this afternoon and was nearly incinerated by a wall of heat, it occurred to me that I had experienced this sensation before. Where though? Today was definitely one of the hottest days I can remember in O-town. South East Asia is also terribly hot, but the fit wasn’t quite right in my mind’s eye. Then it occurred to me - the basement of the Grand Canyon is where I had experienced this crippling heat in my past. I had not felt it again since - until today.

Henceforth, I am using tonight as one of the 2-3 luxury nights of air conditioning I take per summer. I know in terms of energy consumption, I am not doing anything to help the grid. But I figure if everyone only turned on their air con for 2 nights every summer, we would sure save a boat load of energy. Also, I am making a very concerted effort to bike to work, even though it means I look like kaka all day. Have I rationalized this glorious night of cool, quiet, sleep enough? Probably not, but I will savour every sweat-free moment.

I hope you are feeling well and happy,

Love Tabby

Le Canyon de Barron!

2006-07-31T23:47:00.000-04:00

I’ve just returned from a fun filled camping weekend in Algonquin Park. We did a two day canoe trip which culminated with a slow cruise down the Barron Canyon. I don’t know if you’ve ever been up there before, but it’s pretty mind numbing.

Anyway, it was my first real canoe trip and I absolutely loved it. I would’ve been thrilled to stay out there for another couple of days actually. Great fun, great company, and by the end we had our portaging technique down to an exact science. Also, we were able to put a canoe onto my pick up truck with relative ease, which is a feat I did not think possible without much sweat and tears.

Tres Fun Là

T

PS – except for on Saturday night, when I had a bunch of dreams that bears were invading our campsite. The worst one involved this humungous stuffed (as in by a taxidermist) black bear with bright red eyes. It scared the living daylights out of me. I don’t much care for that sort of dream.

Who knew talking to kids could be so fun?

2006-07-31T23:37:00.000-04:00

But they actually fall for shit. Like when you say to them “can I look in your ears? I saw another kid your age today with bunnies in her left ear”, they get unbelievably excited. It’s like they are overcome with joy at the possibility of having rodents and other small animals living in their ear canal…..

Ironically, it also makes me wild with excitement to try and think of new things to say, and new animals to discover. I’ve half convinced myself that I actually saw a chipmunk in one little cutie’s ear…. later that day, when I ran into her and her mother in the cafeteria, she spotted me and shouted “I know you.” I said, “I know you. You're the girl with two bunnies in one ear.” She didn't even skip a beat before replying “and a chipmunk in the other.” My heart exploded, I went totally vasovagal, and had to suppress the urge to pick that little muffin up and hug her as hard as I could.

t

Sunset Rubdown....

2006-07-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

If I ever have a child, and that child comes home one day and says to me “mom, I want to play the drums”, I will briefly hesitate and then say to that child, “okay, let’s make it so”. Then, I will go to a big box store and buy all of the necessary equipment to sound proof a room in my basement. I will buy the child a used drum kit. I will pay for lessons for said child.

Why go to all this trouble for an ungrateful tween you ask? Well, the fact of the matter is, there is just nothing cooler than going to a show and watching the drummer rock his brains out hardcore. It is better if the drummer is a girl, but I’ve seem some pretty amazing guys too. You just have to figure that at some point, these kids' parents were somewhat on board with support and encouragement.

Tonight was one such event. I went to see the Sunset Rubdown. It is a Wolf Parade side project of Spencer Krug’s. Despite feeling tired and incredibly sweaty, I really enjoyed the show. They put out some good vibes and, for my added enjoyment, all of the actors were in place for a wonderful social analysis: The narcissistic (but undeniably talented) lead singer and keyboardist, the xylophone playing back up singer, with the most amazing perm and cherry cheekbones in the world (she loves the lead singer, and flashes her giant, beautiful dimple at him constantly, he loves only himself), the drummer who rocked himself into a frenzy, and the quiet guitarist. And that was only on stage. Imagine what the crowd had to offer!

The opening band was also pretty decent, though in fairness I only caught 2 songs. Here is what I was thinking whilst they played. “man, these guys are not bad – for a bunch of 15 year old kids”. Then it occurred to me (not for the first time, but perhaps more concretely than in the past), "this is the next generation. I am past my rock out prime". It is hard to lust after the band members when you feel like you could be their teenaged mom, or much older sister. Something about it just don't seem right.

The way I see it, I am left with three options:

1. discontinue attendance at all rock shows where the majority of band members are under25
2. continue to attend, but more in the role of a curious chaperone (i.e., I wonder what the kids are listening to these days....)
3. only attend folk concerts, or shows by Rush, Tom Cochrane, or ZZ Top.

I haven’t yet decided which avenue to pursue.

I want to post something about my experience with peds, but honestly, it’s been so rich that I don’t even know where to start. Currently, I am doing a 2 week stint in hematology/oncology – basically, childhood cancers and bleeding disorders. It is so multilayered. On the one hand, the kids are amazingly smart and stoic. On the other hand, it can be pretty depressing to see how sick some of the muffins are. It seems like some of them just can't catch a break. Ironically, they are usually the bravest ones.

I will try to say more tomorrow. Currently, my sheets are calling.

Mocha bear, here is some specific advice for you: go to sleep. Also, do not bring your computer to bed. It is a bad habit and will rot your mind. Bed is for sleeping, cuddling, and shagging. Actually, that is good advice for all of you.

xot

Also,

2006-07-23T15:33:00.000-04:00

You should not allow your fellow medical trainees to make repeated attempts at threading a piece of licorice into your nose and out of your mouth just because someone offers you 50 bucks for a successful outcome. Instead, you should do it for the sake of advancing scientific research, and so that you will know how your patients feel when you are doing this to them, and because it is a pretty neat party trick.

T

Some more advice from Tabby:

2006-07-23T15:21:00.000-04:00

When you consume beer, wine, and a double digit number of shooters, you will very likely get drunk. Extremely drunk. This may be particularly true if you are a relatively small woman who is somewhat rusty on the binge drinking front.

If the above happens to you, I do not recommend phoning up local celebrities at 1am, waking them up, and keeping them on the phone for 30 minutes trying to get them to come out and play with you and your friends.

If you do happen to phone them up in the middle of the night, chat their ear off, and make a total ass of yourself, it is good form to call back and apologize the next day. It is also polite to assure them that you will never bother them again. This sort of thing might mean the difference between having a restraining order issued against you and/or just feeling like a bit of a titwad for a few days.

I hope you will take this advice to heart, and save yourself some potential future embarrassment.

xot

Summer Fun

2006-07-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

There is probably nothing more heart warming and fun than chatting, drinking beer, and eating sushi, on a patio, with your best friend, in the summer. I love you Pesto.

T

Hello Beloved,

2006-07-19T01:57:00.000-04:00

I realize there has been a paucity of posting lately. It’s a little ironic because I’m way less busy than I have been, though I have just worked a string of unfortunately scheduled emergency room shifts at my local pediatric hospital. My sleep wake schedule is totally backwards, and I have no idea what day it is.

I plan to post a synopsis of my observations about pediatric emergency after working my last two shifts later this week. You will have to wait, unfortunately, but I will try to make it worth your while.

I want to clarify the mojo entry. Some of you have been asking. I guess I just feel a little more socially connected lately, which is nice because I was kind of in isolation mode there for a while. Also, it is fun to feel like you have options and, as my friend Mocha Bear put it, are single by choice, rather than by some cruel twist of fate - or karmatic insufficiency (as I like to call it).

So, Pesto, yes we are on for tomorrow. To the rest of you, I hope the pace and quality of life are acceptable. I’d like to welcome new readers into the mix, and send an affectionate shout out to all my old friends.

Better material soon.

T

Back in the Saddle

2006-07-17T17:49:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone,

Based on a series of completely unrelated events over the past several days, I am prepared to conservatively declare that, after a long absence, my mojo is back! It's kind of a nice feeling.

T

Tabby Facts :

2006-07-12T10:41:00.000-04:00

If you live in a neighbourhood with mostly rich and/or retired people, you will have beautiful gardens to look at when you go out for a run.

T

Ceynotes

2006-07-12T10:39:00.000-04:00

The Be Good Tanyas were not true to their name unfortunately. But all was not lost. Son Volt was pretty good, and after the show my friend Locon and I ran into my massage therapist, a great guy. I had agreed to drive Locon back to work, so the massage therapist came along for the ride. Then we went out for a drink. It was quite fun, and felt like vacation- even though it is only semi-vacation.

I never cease to be amazed by the varied and outrageous behaviours of the human animal. In any given day, I can swing from feeling completely inspired to overwhelmingly jaded and cynical. We’ll leave it at that.

Tabby T

Most People Are Nice, But Some Are Not

2006-07-11T01:11:00.000-04:00

On the day God invented vanilla flavoured soy milk, I imagine he said something like: “Here you go humans. Here is a delicious, rich, wonderful treat for your tastebuds.” He wasn’t kidding was he?

Today’s been another good one. I got up this morning and went to yoga, which was a rewarding experience as usual. This afternoon my dad stopped over. He is the cutest and best dad in the world. Tonight I met a guy at Bridgehead who I thought was somewhat interesting. As our convo evolved, I came to realize that he was not.

I wish there was some kind of escape hatch for conversations gone bad. At one point he asked me if he could “bounce something off” of me. I said okay and he proceeded to ask me the most ridiculous questions about how to pitch this idea he has for a show about languages. He was all “what angle should I take? Should I pitch it in terms of the people who will be benefiting, or the actors involved.” I said that I didn’t really know what he meant, but that he should probably consider pitching his idea in terms of its potential as a new and innovative method of language training. He looked at me as if I had just come up with a workable plan for peace in the Middle East and said “pitch it as a new idea? That is amazing.” I thought he was joking and started to laugh, but then I realized he was dead serious. Tanks God, he didn’t stay very long.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tend to assume that most people, despite their often morally crippling baggage, are fundamentally good at heart. Throughout my life, in all of my travels, this belief in the goodness of people has rarely failed me. There are a few exceptions - people I’ve encountered who I would consider predators, either because I have witnessed frightening behaviour, or because my spidy sense rages and I feel extremely uneasy when I am around them.

I met one such character while I was traveling in Malaysia in 2001. He was a super wealthy, bright, well-educated guy, who initially seemed pretty cool. I was on a very small island with him and his friend, and a girl I had met traveling. The four of us hit it off, but then one night a bizarre turn of events (involving naked Swedish girls) sent things all to pot. I won’t get into the details, but things went totally haywire, particularly after my friend left the island to meet up with someone she had a preexisting date with in China. It was just me and the boys – and the Swedes of course.

During our time together, I came to distrust this man and he kind of started giving me the creeps (his friend was nice, but preoccupied with the Swedes). He had it in his head that we should travel to Dubai together and could not understand my refusal of his offer of five star vacationing (on his dime). I found him very manipulative. He also had a nasty temper lurking not far below his charming, cultured exterior.

Anyway, he just could not wrap his head around the fact that I wasn’t interested in spending his money, or traveling with him. In fact, dealing with him had become so exhausting that I decided to come home from my trip 2 weeks early. He wasn’t pleased.

There were some brief emails exchanged early on, but then I heard from my friend (the one who had left the island early) that she had gone to visit this man in Sydney. Apparently, his behaviour toward her had been totally nasty and frightening. This was all the evidence I needed to cease any further correspondence. I didn’t reply to any of his emails for a couple of years, and finally they stopped coming.

Yesterday he emailed to say that he is moving to New York. He wonders if I could find it in my heart to be friends with him. I believe he is in publishing now. It caught me a little off guard, as I had never expected to hear from him again. He seemed genuine. Is it possible he’s changed? It strikes me as unlikely. Don’t people deserve the benefit of the doubt?

Well, after mulling it over all day, I’ve decided not to reply to his email, not even to decline the offer of friendship; the main reason being that I don’t think he is a good person and don’t want to give him even the smallest amount of fodder. The moral of this story is that when someone makes you feel uneasy there is usually a good reason. I trust my instincts, and you should too. Hopefully this will be the end of it.

I have a couple of other stories, but they will have to wait as I am very tired and going to bed. Also, you are likely bored.

night night,
tabby

The Bell Orchestre put on a good show last night….

2006-07-10T01:33:00.000-04:00

...but tonight Amadou and Mariam absolutely rocked the house. If you’ve never heard them you need to look them up. I have their CD (autographed) if you want to borrow it. They were fantastic. During the show, I had flashbacks to Bluesfest 2 years ago, when I first came into contact with Mr. Airplane Man. Both acts left me feeling high as a kite and totally awestruck.

This weekend was pretty great. Friday I got a haircut and went on a reasonably good date. Yesterday was the kick off to a week of “semi-vacation.” While I have quite a bit of work and business to take care of, I don’t have to go to work until Friday morning. The sucky part is that I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I took the Saturday evening shift for a girl in my class as an act of good will. It was the last thing I wanted to do, as I am essentially going to miss the best night of Bluesfest, but the girl was in a real pinch on account of her sister’s wedding in the Bahamas. I believe in karma, so I really had no choice but to bail her out on this one.

Anyway, yesterday’s highlight was a moderate shoe emergency which took place on Bank Street. It was very hot yesterday afternoon, but I had made up my mind to walk downtown to meet up with some friends. Until last week, I had the most wonderful pair of pink flip flops. I think I paid five bucks for them at Winners at the start of last summer. They had been up and down a huge mountain in france (about 40 times), they’d been to Mexico (where they logged many more kilometers) and they’d traveled the mean streets of O-town - a lot.

I guess it was to be expected that these wonder sandals would have an endpoint, and that came earlier this week when the thong finally gave way and popped out of the hole in the centre – for good. I did what any grateful owner would do, I thanked them for all of the foot joy they had brought and made arrangements for them to spend the next few decades relaxing in a landfill somewhere.

So needless to say, I needed to break in a new pair of thongs, and I had a crappy yellow pair lying around my house. I put them on and began the long journey to downtown. About 30 minutes from my home, completely without warning, my right flip flop exploded off of my foot and broke into 2 pieces.

You can no doubt appreciate my predicament. There I was, far from home, in the searing heat, with no shoes. I called Pesto and K-cat and asked for a bail out. They pledged to come at once on their bikes. Meanwhile, I continued to walk down the street, stepping lightly, avoiding glass shards and burning the soles of my feet with each step I took. Yeah, people were staring, but I chose to believe it was because I looked particularly hot in my white linen pants!

I stopped at every possible store. No one had any shoes. Even the Running Room did not have anything appropriate. Finally, I stumbled into a popular shoe store where a kind and gentle man allowed me to wash my black feet in the bathroom, helped me find some new sandals, and even cut me a deal on the price. Pesto and K-cat arrived shortly thereafter. It was a disastrous mishap which ended in a testament to the goodness of people. Also, I now have a nice new pair of, more reliable, tan-coloured flip flops. And I’m positive the gigantic heat blisters will be gone from the soles of my feet within a month, two max.

.....i have removed a part of this post because i just didn't feel good about it. it's not that i think what i wrote could or would ever get back to the person in question, i just don't feel good about the level of detail provided. it's one thing to spill your own guts and wear your heart on your sleeve. it's another to violate someone else's confidence, even if no identifiers are provided. so, i apologise for my temporarily poor judgement on that one....

I'll leave it at this as it was the gist of my story: God, if I ever complain about being single again, punch me out.

That's all I've got right now. I tried to download a picture of Amadou and Mariam, but could not get Blogger to co-operate. Sorry.

xo tabby

Clowning Around

2006-07-05T13:10:00.000-04:00

Right now I am in the pediatric hospital library and the hospital clown has just come in to use the internet. We have exchanged pleasantries and she has put on her glasses and is surfing what are probably pornographic websites.

There is a resident in here. I heard him telling someone earlier that he is an adult general surgery resident, just rotating through peds. He is absolutely mesmerized by the clown. He mouth is open as he stares endlessly at the back of her head. I love this place and have just realized that clown shoes can be very fashionable with the right outfit.

OH MY GOD! The clown just came over and asked me about a pin on my jacket - the one that says “MEOW”. I showed her, and she proceeded to give me a URAQT sticker and a white sticker with an X on it. She said “do you know what that is?” I could not figure it out. Then she delivered her punch line “It’s a clean X” she said. I died inside. I love this place.

I like this clown because she is a bit edgy. Kind of like Mrs. Doubtfire when she used to put her feet up with a beer and belch, or get on the bus and spread her hairy legs!

Vive la France.

Tabster

Advice from Tabby:

2006-07-03T22:41:00.000-04:00

If you let your lawn go for too long, you will have to cut it twice and repeatedly re-start your lawnmower after it stalls.

Eating too much fruit might give you the runs.

Hanging baskets and annuals are currently on sale at most gardening-type stores.

President’s choice’s fruit-flavoured popsicles from the blue menu are like pure joy in your mouth.

You should bet your money on France as they will win the world cup.

T

Squirrely Summer Afternoons

2006-06-30T17:06:00.000-04:00

Currently there are no less than 6 black squirrels frolicking in my back yard. I was going to cut the grass, but it's pouring rain. Tomorrow I'm on call, so it will have to wait until Sunday. My poor neighbour is never going to sell her house! At least the squirrels seem completely joyous, jumping on each other’s tails and such.

As ridic as it sounds, I think I'm actually going to miss peds wards. It’s nice being a member of a team (a functional one). Also, the kids are so great, and the vibe of the place is good. Plus, I find it kind of interesting, and dare I say…stimulating.

Clerkship is becoming a bit of a chore though, and I can't wait to start travelling a bit and doing electives in my areas of interest.

T

Cats less fortunate 3

2006-06-29T19:18:00.000-04:00

This kitten is currently on the feline psych ward. It's a very sad story of parental abuse and neglect. I had no choice but to call the Kitten's Aid Society on this one. Why do cats have kittens if they have no intention of taking care of them?

tt

Bear Turds

2006-06-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

Things are going reasonably well. I climbed a mountain last weekend with a trio of fancy cats. Bear phobias aside, it was great fun. A recipe for a good night’s sleep in the woods is a two week primer of paediatric wards. I had no trouble getting to sleep, even as buster bear rummaged around our campsite, laughing as he tossed our bear cans into the water.

This is my last week of wards, and I have only one call shift left on Saturday. Y’know, I’ve learned (yet again) a lesson about jumping to conclusions. I’d been dreading this rotation, and experiencing serious anxiety and sleepless nights about it for months now. Well, it has actually been pretty fun. My team rocks. and the little muffins are just so adorable. I have one patient right now who is the absolute bee’s knees. He’s a 10 year old kid that I’d actually like to be friends with on the outside.

Also, today this baby I really like (not my patient) got discharged. I had gotten to know his mum somehow over the past few weeks, I think because of a call shift I worked one weekend. The babe was born at 35 weeks and is now 28 days old. He is so little and cute. I dropped by this morning to say goodbye and she asked me if I wanted a quick snuggle with the little guy. Honestly, my cast iron heart melted into a pool of love as I reached for the little gaffer. He was such a great little cuddler too. I died inside. I may have overstayed my welcome, but it was well worth it. Mum took some snap shots of me and the little one. It was definitely a highlight.

Not much to report on the personal front. I went to yoga last night, so that was a major accomplishment. Tonight I picked up groceries, another victory. Tomorrow I will take out some of my frustrations on the floor hockey court and make soup. As you’ve no doubt gleaned, I lead an extremely dynamic life. I may even splash out and make some banana bread in the next couple of days.

I’ve been reflecting quite a lot lately, but currently am too tired to articulate anything reasonable. I’ll just leave you with this: If you had to have a personality disorder, which would you pick? I think I would take narcissistic personality disorder because as long as things are going okay, you are the king of the world, with absolutely no insight into your silly, self-righteous behaviors. I've had the recent pleasure of getting to know one such character.

i hope all of my beloved friends are faring well.
affectionately yours,
tabby t

Dear Nevi-cat

2006-06-20T23:46:00.000-04:00

As I was leaving your apartment tonight, I nearly ran over a prostitute turning tricks 10 feet from your doorstep. You might consider moving to a new neighbourhood, or at least making some dough by renting out a room.

Two other strange things happened today. First, as I was driving home from work, a guy watering his lawn turned and sprayed my truck full on for no reason. I had to use every bit of mental strength I had not to go totally postal on the guy. Then, later on, at a stop light, some lecherous old bastard pulled one of those licking your lips and mouthing something obscene tricks. Again, I nearly lost my shit.

Otherwise all is well….

Tabster

Turns out....

2006-06-20T20:59:00.000-04:00

I actually kind of like paediatrics. However, I am completely and utterly exhausted with two weeks left to go. I might fall over tomorrow night during my call shift. I have this weekend off and am going to the US to climb a mountain. I hope I don't fall asleep and take a header off a cliff.

xotabby

ps - All of the kids i am looking after are french, from France. They are so smart and expressive. I really love European children. Maybe that is the kind i would like to have some day.

quick bites

2006-06-17T18:10:00.000-04:00

I go on the occasional date. They are almost never fun. My effort is always half-hearted. Tonight is no different. I did not even wash my hair. I wonder if I will ever meet anyone on whom to shine my special light again.....

Peds wards is not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm not saying I'm enjoying myself. My mantra all week has been "I can do anything for 3 weeks", and I've been chanting this out loud every day, in the hospital even. Nevertheless, it is not the pure hell I was anticipating. Tomorrow I will be on call, which apparently is quite shitty on the weekends. We'll see. Just two more weeks now.

Okay, off to the fringe, literally and figuratively.

tabs

Just Call Me Negative Ned

2006-06-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

I haven’t written for several days because I wanted to try and avoid sounding like a depressed freak. I had hoped to post some lighthearted, joyous stories. As I am normally a fairly rapid cycler, I thought the pendulum would swing back to Pleasantville sometime over the course of the weekend. Well, it hasn’t. I still feel totally eviscerated.

This morning, after an anxious and fitful 5 hours of sleep, I wanted to die when my alarm went off. The thought of starting pediatric wards was totally overwhelming. After a full day of orientation, it still is. I suppose I can take some solace in the fact that several colleagues expressed similar feelings. But the fact is, strength in numbers can only carry one so far.

I’ll spare you the details, but basically I’ve been wandering around in a funny fog for the past week. I feel like I’m in a movie. Tonight, for example, I had to drive out to Orleans to get an MRI. I sustained a hand injury at hockey several weeks ago, and the orthopedic surgeon thinks I may have done a real number on it. Perfect.

Just driving into Orleans is enough to make anyone feel shitty, but as I shuffled up to the door of the clinic, nestled in a dark strip mall, I felt especially rotten. I had gotten lost and was a little late. Worse, my car was operating on fumes. I proceeded to have bizzarro interactions with a woman waiting for her MRI. She essentially told me the story of her life. If I weren’t so turned in on myself these days, I might’ve given a shit, but fact is, I didn’t really want to hear about her GD rheumatoid arthritis tonight. I feigned interest.

The MRI experience sucked. The guy had serendipitously tuned me into CBC Radio One, where Michael Enright (not my favourite guy) was interviewing a super fascinating woman about human behaviour and personality disorders. I was loving it, but he set the volume just a titch lower than what my ears could accommodate as the machine shook and moaned for 25 minutes. It was something like how I would imagine Chinese water torture would feel. I strained in vein to hear and clung to my panic button for dear life as I tried to lay as still as possible for fear or exploding if I moved an inch. My guts were absolutely rumbling by the end, and for a brief moment I thought I might lose control and shit my pants in the MRI machine. I wonder how that image would show up.

As I was leaving, the woman who walked me out said “good night, and be careful out there.” She said it like she knew something I didn’t, and I wondered how bad the gang scene had become on the mean streets of Orleans. Eerily, she was right. I was in for a shake up. I have a knack for taking wrong turns and getting totally disoriented. Tonight was no different and it probably took me twice as long as it should have to get home. My blood pressure was peaking as I "navigated" in circles through lifeless subdivisions.

Why can’t I just have a normal life? I could be done a phD by now, in bioethics, or something equally stimulating. I would still feel smart, have the respect of my colleagues, and probably my research would've been funded. Instead. I start a new job every couple of weeks. Last week I was a general surgeon, a few weeks before that, a urologist. Before that, an ob/gyn. Today, and for the next three weeks, I am a pediatrician. Then I will do a brief stint as a neonatologist. Is it any wonder that eating and anxiety disorders run rampant among medical students? I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack these days with no control over anything. I used to be cool as a cucumber, but now I feel like a different kind of vegetable.

Hopefully, by the next time I write, I will have rejoined the realm of the emotionally stable. Probably not though, since I am on call tomorrow night. At the very least, I will be able to share some self-deprecating, but humourous tales of humiliation and inadequacy for your reading pleasure. I guess this blog is a better coping mechanism than obsessive repetitive counting exercises, or pulling my hair out in clumps.

Goodnight,
Tabby

The Cry of the Emotionally Destitute!

2006-06-08T21:46:00.000-04:00

It's a sad day when your cerebral cortex first lets you down. Apathy and blunted affect are some early symptoms. You deal though, call on the brainstem to help out, try your best to make things work. But when you go into the bathroom to pluck some eyebrows (and ward off hirsutism), and you see that one pupil has blown, you know it’s just a matter of hours before your ventricles lose sight of the midline and you become a herniated, fixed, dilated, stupidhead.

At least I have Perrier. Thank God for Perrier. I love you Perrier.

Yours,
Tabby Stupidhead

So Proud of You!!!!

2006-06-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=4843dee5-ac90-4317-9fea-f00838c1ee37
http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/Golf/PGA/USOpen/2006/06/06/1616973-sun.html

Could not be more proud of you BF!!!

love T

Right-Sided Diverticulitis My Eye!

2006-06-04T17:45:00.000-04:00

I forgot to tell you all something very exciting. The woman from last Saturday night, the one with the “supposed right-sided diverticulitis”, well guess what? Turns out I was right after all. She had a small bowel obstruction secondary to adhesions formed after her appendectomy. I was there on Wednesday night when we opened her up and snipped off the offending piece of scar tissue that had been causing her so much grief. I wanted to do the MC Hammer dance in the hallway when my preceptor told me what the CT scan had found.

During that same surgery, my preceptor, not happy with what, or how I was retracting, pulled his usual, smack the retractors impatiently with the scissors trick. He caught me in a moment of weakness, and having experienced this unpleasant behaviour one too many times, I responded by barking "Okay Okay Okay" three times impetuously in his direction. Immediately afterward I felt shame and doubt. Luckily, he thought it was hilarious. I heard him chortling into his mask.

I've come to like and respect the man. Despite his inappropriate commentary and androgen-heavy behaviour, I think he is an intellinent, hard working, and kind soul. I reserve the right to change my mind after my evaluation this week.

TT

question for BBCTCHR

2006-06-03T14:15:00.000-04:00

or anyone else with the requisite knowledge....

why bother doing colposcopy on someone who has squamous cell or adenocarcinoma diagnosed from a pap? why wouldn't you skip straight to a biopsy?

thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom,
Tabster

Poo and Dog Bites

2006-05-28T00:43:00.000-04:00

Hello Loved Ones,

I was originally preparing for another ranting monologue about 18hour days and the emotional pain of perpetual stupidity, but I think all of that (including the 100 or so boring constipated people I’ve seen in the last couple days) takes a backseat to the following anecdote: Also, it is a relatively short story and I (having just returned from the hosp) am not long for this world.

Tonight I was in the emerg department looking at hard, poo-filled bellies. My boss stopped by, but had dinner plans with some friends he hadn’t seen in a very long time, so he left me with the last poo lady, and told me to page him with the dets. It took me a while, but I got her story, called him up and told him I thought she needed to be admitted for a possible bowel obstruction. He agreed that she should be admitted, but said he thought she might have diverticulitis of the right colon. WTF? This guy is a diagnostic machine. I had barely relayed any information. I scoffed in my head and thought he was out to lunch. After all, I’d seen the xray.

Twenty minutes after I hung up the phone, the patient in question had a humungous bowel movement. Actually, she shat the bed big time. Obviously, not a bowel obstruction – probably diverticulitis! Fuuuukkkkkk. I try so hard! I want my boss to like me and think I am smart. Just to make things worse I think I forgot the pink consult sheets that he needs in order to be paid somewhere in the ED. I hope to Christ I can track them down tomorrow morning…..

Anyway, I’ve digressed. My boss said to admit the patient and told me what orders he wanted on the chart. He said that after I was done with “le paper work”, I could go home and he would come in later tonight and co-sign. Fair enough.

However, as I was wrapping up my business, a man came in with his right nard fully hanging out of his scrotum, precariously dangling in mid air. His penis was also in fairly rough shape. Despite the fact that I am not currently doing an emerge rotation, I could not help but implicate myself in this case.

According to the patient, his son’s dog bit the nard off for no reason. I found the man’s story, and his demeanor, suspicious. The facts, and some of the evidence, did not add up. Nevertheless, whatever the dickens this man was up to tonight, he definitely paid the price. I thought he was gonna punch me in the face as I began injecting 10cc’s of Xylocaine directly into his purple, shredded ball sack! The pain must've been unreal. I was as gentle as possible, but he was screaming. Poor fucker. I left before the stitching started. Even busted testicles couldn’t keep me from my flannel heaven right now.

Goodnight - T

ps - good luck to Pesto and Shakes the Cat who will be taking part in the full and half marathons respectively tomorrow!