On understanding object permanence

I think most kids begin to grasp the concept of object permanence around the age of 2 or so. For me this milestone was somewhat delayed. I am thus fortunate to have a vivid memory of the day I figured it all out…

I think I was around 4. My parents, brother, and I did a brief stint in a rented townhouse in the south end of Ottawa before moving out of the city. The townhouse complex backed onto a K-mart and was home to many broken families, and dare I say…broken dreams.

My parents were both working, and my brother was in school full days, but at that point I guess I must’ve been in JK or maybe SK because I had to go to a babysitter’s place for a good part of the day, which I really hated – mostly because she was a total bitch. As an aside, I don’t think she did a very good job of child supervision because her house is where I swallowed a penny and nearly got my arm bitten off by her savage niece, whom she also babysat.

Anyway, it was winter and I had a pretty snazzy, one-piece, brown snowsuit that had an attached striped brown and yellow elastic belt with one of those metal clips like on the old K-way jackets.

The snowsuit looked like a million bucks, but it was a real chore to get in and out of.

On the afternoon in question, I was playing in the backyard, near a wooden fence that had been erected by an insightful contractor to keep the individual families’ dysfunctionality contained.

It occurred to me that I really had to go pee. Really bad. But, for whatever reason (maybe I’d had a hard morning), I didn’t feel I had it in me to go inside, take off my snowsuit and sit my ass down on the toilet. I distinctly remember then thinking to myself that maybe if I just peed in my snowsuit, it would disappear and no one would be any the wiser.

I thought about it for a while, and then, never one to shy away from an experiment, I decided to giv’er. The total relief from extreme bladder distension was cancelled out by the almost immediate realization that pee was soaking through my suit, staining the affected areas a much darker shade of brown. Oh, the horror. I will never forget it.

In an attempt to preserve my dignity for as long as possible, I stayed outside playing quietly in the snow. Hoping the evidence would evaporate or something. That is, until my ass began to freeze. Then, with few remaining options, I shuffled inside, tail between my legs.

At the tender age of 4, concepts such as object permanence, melting and boiling points, and the law of conservation of mass had become deeply entrenched via one act of deliberate incontinence.

I never peed in my pants again.