Tales From The Apartment

I think the woman who lives downstairs from me has Alzheimer’s. The first few times I met her in the driveway, I just had no clue what to make of our encounters. In true insecure Tabby fashion, I thought she didn’t like me for some reason. Her affect was so strange and she was friendly, but vacant. The last two times I’ve seen her have been pretty funny. It’s like she watches me pull up, and the second I am up the stairs she comes and knocks on the door. Then she completely lets herself in, comes up the stairs into the apartment, and we stand there looking at each other. Literally. For minutes at a time. It’s painful. I ask her question after question that meets with no reply...

Today she told me that her driver’s license was taken away “for medical reasons” and then she offered for me to start parking behind her car since she can no longer drive it. The thing is, I already have a pretty great parking spot so...I couldn’t really figure out if there was a reason why she wanted me to move my car or...was she just trying to be helpful? Unfortunately for her, the minute I walked into my apartment today, I basically unleashed an entire day’s worth of repressed farts. I was relieved when she didn’t pass out from the smell and tumble down the stairs further damaging her fragile brain. My only hope is that she will not leave a cigarette burning unattended downstairs causing me to perish in my sleep sometime in the next 6 weeks.

Maybe there’s something about this apartment that brings out crazy behaviour in people. A couple of weeks ago I had a date here that ended in the most bizarre way imaginable. Granted the circumstances were a titch strange. I met this guy on the cross country ski trail of all places (I’m just learning to skate ski and I’m really terrible). We started chatting and kind of hit it off. So we tried to make plans and surprisingly I was kind of busy that week, and then I was on call that weekend, and very reluctant to make “going out” plans. So I told him if he wanted to stop by on Saturday night and maybe have a beer and watch the hockey game, that would be great. He accepted and brought over some dinner.

Anyway, it super casual. I mean we don’t even know each other. And I thought we were having a good time. I was shining my light on him and making an effort to be charming. If I say so myself, I looked pretty cute that night. So, here is where things get wonky. We had our dinner, and some laughs. The hockey game was on. At some point, around 9:45, I got up to go pee. I was gone for about 45 seconds. When I came out of the bathroom, he said he needed to go too. He was in there for about 2 minutes. When he came out, I heard him mumble something and then he went straight over to the hall closet and got his coat out. I said “what did you say?” He said “I’m gonna get going”. It was totally weird. He was basically out the door within 45 seconds. I was left standing there in shock. He emailed a couple of days later to say thanks, and then this week he emailed again to see if I wanted to go out for a beer this weekend with him and one of his friends (and possibly his mother, I’m not clear on that).

I was totally bewildered, so I’ve been doing an unofficial survey to get to the bottom of this. Here are some of the current theories on what might’ve happened:

1. JBro was the first to hear about this and her immediate thought was that he had diarrhoea, or was about to, and needed to dash in a hurry. This is by far the most popular theory. He could’ve just said so if that was the case. I’m a doctor after all. These things don’t bother me.

2. I was wearing red corduroy pants that night and a light pink long sleeved T, with a black hoodie. It sounds kind of odd, but it looked great. Pesto believes that the pink/red combo was too bold and frightened him away.

3. It’s tempting to think that he came across something sinister in the bathroom, but there is just nothing conceivable that would’ve been offensive to him. Nothing.

4. Did he find something scary in the living room or kitchen? Highly unlikely.

What do you think? Also, is it wrong that I don't want to go out for beers with him and his army buddy and his mum on Friday?

xot