Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Flight Risk

I can scarcely muster up the courage to detail my current degree of emotional destitution. Just now, as I was driving home down the dark highway, I had to resist an almost overwhelming urge to pass by my exit and keep on driving into the night forever. A fugue - I was considering a frickin’ fugue! What in God’s name is the matter with me?

Luckily, I realized in time that I was heading directly for Hawkesburry, which is a place I never want to see again. This, coupled with the promise of warm, inviting flannel, may have been the only thing that kept my truck steered toward home.

Now here I am, about to head to bed, defeated and emotionally vacant. Today was another one of those wherein I felt incredibly stupid, frustrated,and unclear as to what was expected of me for most of the day. I dealt in assholes, poo, and hemorrhoids all afternoon and then I missed the surgery I had been looking forward to all day. My boss does not like me. Tomorrow I will probably get in trouble for having poor judgment. Today I was chastised for being too worried about a patient who apparently was not as sick as I thought. Oopsie.

BBCTCHR, I did not have time to look at a photo of your new car. I’m sorry. I thought I would see you again later, but I did not. You were delivering healthy babies with my classmate. I was jealous. I want to deliver babies, and feel the bright rays and warmth of antenatal care shinning on my face. Instead, I duck out of the way as liquid poo hurls out of an anuscope.

Probably by tomorrow I will have swung back to a manic state, but for now all I can think about is the fact that I have to go back to the hospital in 6 hours and feel my deficits as acutely as today.

My roommate Bobcat would like you to know that he feels more or less the same way, minus the poo, since he is doing dermatology right now. Apparently rashes are also pretty gross.



Blogger bbctchr,M.D. said...

Buck up, young Jedi. How can you find out what you love without experiencing hate? When I was on internal, I wished I had started myself on antidepressants two weeks prior to my rotation. When I got off the bus and looked across the street at the hospital my heart sank. When I was on surgery, I didn't see the sun for 8 weeks, my residents thought I was useless and the staff didn't notice I existed. AND I didn't always dodge the flying poo, either.

I love your blog because you put into words what every medical student experiences - and I hope others find solace in your confessions. I'm not trying to minimize your misery by saying that everyone feels the way you do (you may feel it more acutely and express it more eloquently than the rest of us!). I'm actually trying to make you feel better. I only knew that I wanted to be a bbctchr when I did an elective in Ob and didn't want to commit suicide when the alarm went off in the morning.

"Flight risk" is the term that I use at residency interviews when I am concerned that the students we just interviewed is not dedicated to bbctchng and may leave the program if we match them...

12:16 AM  
Blogger The One and Only said...

Well Tabby, it sounds like baby catcher said it all. I am sorry to hear that you are not happy in your current rotation - I know what that is like and I admire you for continuing on with the journey. I guess some would think that you have no choice but to continue but that is B.S.. Friggin people man...they don't always know the effect that they are going to have on us when they deal with us. You keep cuttin into people and get this done. As for dodging poo...WTF are you doing over there? Oh and I have another bbctchr on of your former preceptors??

The child birth and parenting course that "S" and I are taking is killin me!! Our instructor showed us a video and those babies are slippery little suckers! It is just as you told us when you are here. Pretty cool the way they slide right out of the birth canal (aka vagina!!!)

9:58 PM  
Blogger telltale tabby said...


Thanks for the encouraging words. It is helpful to know that others have been in the depths of despair and come out on the other side. I’m sure I’m not the only person getting knocked around on this clerkship ride, and I know my circumstances are no worse than anyone else’s. Today was marginally better than yesterday. Overall though, I am definitely in a lowish spot. A short course of antidepressants, or maybe just Ativan prn for sleep would likely improve my state of mind. Everyone else seems to be on it. Why not me?

It could be worse. Bobcat thinks he has Tinea Pedis. He apparently had Folliculitis in January, which he self treated with 1% hydrocortisone ointment. He is happy not to have experienced Vitiligo. Despite my current daily intake of terrible pathologies, I am surprisingly pretty sure that I don’t have pancreatic, breast or colon cancer - right now anyway.

I have to go to bed now because I must arrive at the hospital at 0’dark:30 tomorrow in order to answer a series of “read my mind” questions, in a sleepy, pre- coffee stupor. I miss the pods so much. They were so civilized. This weekend I am on call, which means I will not be able to attend the live GO show hosted by my hero Brent Bamburry (sp?), or run the half marathon with my friend Shakes the Cat, as planned.

Good night and good sleep,

11:51 PM  
Blogger telltale tabby said...

Dear TOAO,

Thanks to you too. You've always been a wonderful advocate for my well being. I have not gotten the answers to your 2 questions yet, but I will.

I'm glad you watched the video and liked it. Those little suckers are pretty slippery, but that's half the fun of catching them. You should let S. know that they don't always "slide" out exactly, especially on the first go round.

BBCTCHR is a former preceptor turned friend. I rarely see him though anymore because he has to work, and I am sutured to my current precptor's ass, so to speak.

affection for you,

12:01 AM  
Blogger The One and Only said...

Thanks for the response Tabby. I too have a former preceptor turned friend and I completely value his friendship and honesty.

Keep you head and faith up!!

8:50 AM  

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