Sleepless Freako

I’m exhausted because I haven’t slept well in about a week. I'm definitely incubating something, and shamelessly passing it on to everyone around me. However I just keep simmering, not quite well and not quite sick – but undeniably tired.

I thought this sleeplessness bullshit was over with. For many months last year leading up to my licensing exam, I had really poor sleep. In desperation, I resorted to taking Benedryl to sedate myself on nights that I really needed to rest, but inevitably I felt totally hung over the next day. This persisted throughout the start of residency. Then magically, about a month after my break up with the Bobcat, my sleep became good again. I was sleeping soundly, dreaming, and waking up feeling refreshed.

As someone who has enjoyed restful and sound sleep for most of my life, it is quite disconcerting to be suddenly suffering from insomnia. I really feel for my patients who are in this predicament, because I'm not suffering from mental illness (well nothing on Axis I anyway), and I feel myself going bonkers after a few nights of bad sleep. Imagine being acutely unwell and not even being able to benefit from the restorative properties of sleep.

Well I’ve had bad sleep now for a week and I attribute it to a number of stressors that have crept up out of the woodwork. Also, I have a presentation on Wednesday, which is not remotely done, and the article I will be reviewing is the most cryptic piece of scientific writing I have ever encountered. I think this guy took a hit of E and then decided to put some thoughts down on paper.

So, that little bit of complaining is all I can muster tonight. I had a very long day and then attended a dinner seminar where at least I ate like a queen. From there I had a late therapy session.

This is my second go at therapy. It’s one of the items on my list of self betterment activities for this winter of northern solitude. Last time I tried to see someone was shortly after I moved to Edmonton for my masters. The woman was great and I really liked her, but she saw me twice and then told me I didn't need therapy and that I couldn't come back until I was more fucked up. I insisted that I was nuts, but she was having no part of it. Imagine what being kicked out of therapy does for someone with a fear of failure....

Anyway, maybe tomorrow I will share a tidbit or two from this go round. Basically, I sit around with this guy for an hour and we shoot the shit and exchange stories. Last time, he asked me if I wanted to learn how to do some relaxation breathing. I told him no thank you. I prefer my shallow, fretful anxious gasps and racing heart to that airy fairy inner peace crap. As you can see, I've upped the ante. He doesn't know what to make of me, but there's no way I'm gettin' turfed by another therapist for being too well adjusted.

biggest hugs,
Tabby