Busted – A One Act Play Not So Loosely Based on Real Life Events

I tend to just head home right after my workout and shower when I get here. Today was no exception. I had a great run, jumped in my car and started for home. Unfortunately, I had only made it about 50 meters when I was abruptly jarred from my endorphin-induced bliss by sirens and flashing red lights.

So I pulled over and sure enough so did the cop. My face was covered in salty sweat residue and I had my puffy down coat over my stinky running jersey. My hair was wet and matted to my head. I generally looked terrible.

The following is a transcript of what transpired.

Cop: (angry aggressive tone) Ma’am, you didn’t even try to stop at that stop sign coming out of the parking lot. Why not?

Me: (looking down shamefully, thinking to myself, what a stupid question? briefly considering telling him the truth - that said stop sign is completely futile and stupid) Uh, I dunno, guess I was in a bit of a rush...

Cop: (even more angry) how often do you come onto the base?

Me: almost every day

Cop: well, why did you blast through that stop sign?

Me: I dunno, I’m sorry.

Cop: Ma’am, can I see your driver’s license, insurance, and registration please?

Me: (fumbling around in my wallet) Uh, here is my driver’s license. Where would I find the rest of that stuff?

Cop: I don’t know ma’am

Me: (opening glove compartment) Uh, shit, is this what you want?

Cop: Ma’am, that is the registration. Can you get it out please? I also need your insurance.

Me: Right, well I definitely have insurance. Where would that be?

Cop: I don’t know. It should be a pink piece of paper.

Me: (reaching into wallet, pulling out plastic Meloche Monnex Client Card) I think this is my insurance.

Cop: No, that is not your insurance.

Me: I think it is. Are you sure it isn’t?

Cop: Yes, your insurance is pink and has an expiry date on it.

Me: Well maybe mine is different. Do you think they might be revamping insurance and handing out cards instead?

Cop: No ma’am I do not.

Me: (ongoing spastic fumbling in glove compartment - for like 8 minutes!) Oh, shit, here it is.

Cop: (taking my documents with him, walks back to his car, returns moments later) Ma’am where do you live?

Me: I live on Mc___ Street. I’m just in town for a few months working at the hospital.

Cop: Fine, hang on. I’ll be back.

Me: (waiting forever while cop sits in his car doing God knows what, stewing, wondering how many demerit points I can expect, wondering if I’ll get kicked off the base forever, questioning how much the fine will be, feeling my insurance premium rising while I wait)

Cop: (finally returns, hands me my stuff, miraculously no ticket) Ma’am, you need to stop at that stop sign in the future.

Me: (massive relief) Yes, of course I will.

This is actually the second time in my life I’ve been pulled over for running a stop sign, and also the second time I’ve successfully employed the spastic freak defence. It’s not premeditated but I guess it's kind of like my version of a bend and snap. One time I got pulled over for speeding and tried the same strategy. That time, it did not work. The cop was mad at me because I drove for about 3 kilometers before pulling over and then told him that I was hoping if I kept driving, he’d go after somebody else. I don’t recommend that, as it really pissed him off and he gave me the speeding ticket as punishment.

Anyway, today my charms were effective despite being a salt covered nut job. I was very relieved.

biggest hug,

T