On The Home Stretch
Hello Friends,
Last night when I went to bed at around 2:40am, my heart rate was about 139 and I had a major sense of impending doom. I could not calm my ass down. I thought it would be kind of ironic if I were having my first ever panic attack in bed, my favourite place in the world. Luckily, it did not come to that; though, I can pretty much guarantee that if someone had offered me 0.5mg of Ativan, I would’ve taken it without hesitation.
This morning when I woke up, I thought (again) that I might die from anxiety. I won’t even get into the GI symptoms I was having. Instead of dying, I got in the shower and told myself that this grand rounds was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, and then I somehow managed to pull it together. The dose of perspective I needed came when I saw one of my ex-patients, a young man, with a new diagnosis of schizophrenia, shuffling down the snowy street looking totally lost. Seriously, I think my challenges are pretty minor in comparison.
So, the worst of it is over with, and now I just need to pull something together for Friday. I am ecstatic to have it done, and I don’t even care if I flamed out. The thing is, I actually enjoy public speaking, just not when I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. This weekend is going to be the birthday weekend of the century...I cannot wait.
I’m gonna have a little nap now... xot
posted by telltale tabby @ 4:26 PM
18 Comments:
TY,
You don't have to worry about being overly articulate. I make loads of spelling and grammar errors in pretty well everything I post. Nevertheless, you are very complimentary, and I'm flattered to pieces.
From my post today, you can probably see that I've had better days. Overall though, it went okay, and I just got back from debriefing and grabbing a bite to eat with my friends, so I did not get a chance to have a nap.
Tonight I will start to get my slides together for my Friday presentation, which is a far less stressful event.
I didn't exactly feel like I turned in my best performance at rounds, but on the positive side of things, I got to wear a really great suit that I reserve for semi-special occasions, and I was the first in my group to go, and the only one before Christmas. This essentially means that after my Friday presentation, I can chill because I will be in the clear for many months.
You were very sweet to write and let me know that you'd be back later...I feel like maybe I was a little bossy yesterday. I was kind of in the depths of despair...and in need of a little pick me up, which you definitely provided. It was considerate of you to include a picture of yourself.
I hope for you that you will finish your CARMS applications tonight, and then find it within yourself to hit the submit button and be done with it. Once you do this, your quality of life will improve dramatically.
How much longer will you be in Halifax?
I have not seen that movie, but I will seek it out, and maybe try to watch it on Saturday night.
you are way cool,
TT
okay, so many things happened today, where to start....
the picture is the least I could do given how much of your life I've been indulging myself on through your blog.
I had also heard that kittens were very shallow so I am not at all surprised by your comments. Luckily for you, james bond look-a-like cats are also extremely shallow and demand perfection in their feminine feline counterparts.
I am sure your presentation went exceptionally well. I'm curious as to the suit you got to wear.
I have this particular tie I like to wear for special occasions too but I think its a little to Phallic for work. Its a picture of the statue "david" that just so happens to end right at his waist line, which conveniently enough is where the tie also ends on me.
I'm about as subtle as a manic peruvian monkey (in case you don't know, they are a particularly interesting species known for their extreme sexual libido/promiscuity ... I'm a guy, I don't know why I know these things, I just do)
So my day... without getting into too much detail, I have been battling my dean and his lawyer over the past several years for reasons that are all too halarious for any outside observer and therefore extremely frustrating for me, but particularly over the past week over my dean's letter etc...
actually you know what, I'll put it into a one-act play:
dean: blah blah blah, I hate you and want to screw up your life
me: grrrr, *mumble* *mumble*
guy with Tourettes Syndrome: "hahaha"
dean: ps I sent off your deans letter with some changes that will be deleterious to your applications
me: Thats illegal according to our previous documentation! I am so going to sue you!
dean: what documention? maybe you should send me a copy
me: get your lawyer to give you the copy you bag of lying ...
dean's lawyer: what documentation? gee whiz i must be a super sucky lawyer since I keep losing all the important documents.
my laywer: this one you dinks
ensuing silence.
You know what, this goes back to my previous comment about you being a genius... that was a lot of fun to write.
There is one problem though, the comments are fairly inaccurate... there is no way my dean is smart enough to use the word "deleterious".
Okay on to more fun things. Today the department head of urology asked me what my perfect day in the OR would be. Pretty cool question actually, so far I have been really impressed with Halifax (by the way, I am here till this friday).
So here's what I told him: imagine yourself in an OR room, patient lying in front of you, brilliantly anesthetized, draped to perfection. (take a moment, let it sink in) The soft light of the candles dancing off his genitals. James Blunt playing softly in the background. The sweet aroma of urine filling the air. And in the corner, a glistening table, perfectly sterile, perhaps a scope or two, and in the middle a beaming catheter glazed in the most sensual lubricating jelly known to man....
that's about the point where things fell apart. Too far you think? To be honest I'm quite surprised he let me carry it on as long as I did, I think we were playing a game of mental chicken. Urology is so awesome!
(I'm sure someone reading this is thinking I have the brain function of a 12 year old boy... well you're pretty darn close I would say... really don't need much brain activity to put in a foley, particularly if the patient is perfectly draped and all)
I had a psych question I was going to ask you but I seem to have forgotten it now ... I'm sure if it was important I would remember.
By the way, your time up north sounds amazing... like unbelievably amazing. Flying through the aurora borealis?! how cool is that!
okay, clearly I am just rambling. At this point of the conversation (if we were to be having a conversation) I would have that stupid grin on your face that you get when you still want to keep talking but realize you have nothing of any interest to say, but you keep talking anyways.
Alright that's it for me.
good luck tomorrow
cheers
ps. your birthday this weekend?
TY,
1. Highly entertaining post.
2. I am dying to (someday) find out what med school you go to, and what in the dickens happened between you and your dean.
3. My birthday was yesterday.
4. On the topic of your 'perfect OR day", I am officially rendered speechless.
5. I have to go to bed now.
goodnight,
TT
I was wondering what that Christina Applegate post meant.
Happy belated.
I am officially obsessed with your blog. I've checked it 4 times today at work. I have no idea why. it was so impulsive, I knew you wouldn't have posted anything new... especially after the first 3 times...
everytime I felt kind of silly. and then to make myself feel better I would read an old entry, which was followed by strange feelings of joy mixed with feeling like a creepy internet stalker.
I bet James Bond doesn't do that. heck I bet even James Blunt doesn't do that.
The problem is that everytime I read one of your previous entries I am so intrigued. There are all these questions I want to ask... Then I tell myself that's silly and I shouldn't want to know so badly and spend the rest of the day filling in the blanks in my own head.
Right now between september 07 and february 08 I have you mild mannered by day and wearing a cape at night going to secret parties and writing books under the pseudonym Catrina Meowsomuch.
have you ever laughed really hard at your own lame joke and then were really glad no one else was around to witness it? I can be such a loser sometimes (I mean that in the most winning sense of the word).
Hope your presentation today went well, what was it one anyways?
cheers,
Longus Maximus (that would be my pseudonym if I were to ever have one) ...
God, you're killing me - in the best possible way!
My next presentation is tomorrow, and I've got to bust my ass for the next few hours to get things finished up. I so would rather spend the next 2 hours writing stories, and exchanging playful banter with you.
I wish I had been doing those superheroine kinds of things between Sept 07 - Feb 08. Truth is, I was in a very tough place, mentally and geographically. I was completely turned in on myself, and just generally surviving day to day...
It's a really long story, kind of like your dean story. I couldn't write at that time because I was essentially devoid of the ability to feel emotion...
Anyway, I got through it, and now I am my usual, verbose self again. I will try and get some work done now, so that I can write more later.
Are you done your CARMS stuff now? What did you do today?
Tabby
almost (I know I keep saying that...)
I will submit tonight, but my dean's letter still isn't in so I don't know...
being devoid of the ability to feel emotion is a tricky place to be. Things make a strange kind of sense when you're in those moments .. atleast they do for me.
Glad to here you got through it, can't imagine how I would've spent my downtime in Halifax if you hadn't started blogging again.
my day was crazy. 73 patients in clinic today... that's way too much. Its not normally like that (thank god,... not that he/she/it has much to do with things but still, its good to give thanks I think). I didn't even get a chance to go the washroom. I had to urinate so bad by the end of the day I was walking funny. Imagine doing kegal exercises while trying to walk to the washroom as fast as you can... and then add a penis.
Don't you find it weird how we preach all these things about good health (in this case, emptying your bladder regularly) and then go about living our lives like the worst patients imaginable? I would hate to have me as a patient... I'm totally like "whatever, I'm invincible" (though that might be all the James Bond movies and UFC I watch, but still...).
I just kind of think its hypocritical. Its really made me watch what I recommend to patients... half the stuff we recommend is so unrealistic. Sometimes I'm like, "yeah screw that noise bro, just eat all the shiznatch you want! angina shmangina" (my patients are very hip and I must communicate in a manner that is in keeping with the times)
Then I came home, manically checked your blog and then watched the last two episodes of californication season 1... great tv show...
now... I dunno, the night is young.
I might just put on my favourite cape ...
When you get a chance, I'd love to pick your brain about some stuff.
cheers (also a good tv show...)
I know for a fact that I am the worst patient in the world. Luckily, I have a wonderful, and very obliging family doctor. I typically go into his office, announce my diagnosis, tell him what RX I would like, and thank him profusely when he goes ahead and writes it.... I do get my flu shot every year though, so that should count for something.
As far as my brain goes, pick away...
T
hey, I just got back from dinner with my buddy .. nice little Greek place,... too much wine (I secretly hate wine). we kept making snarky jokes... which of course after a few drinks, we thought were hilarious, I'm not so sure our waitress agreed though. but we left a good tip, I think you have to if you're being stupid (ie. hilarious)
I was thinking about some deep stuff today (have you ever noticed how just saying that makes whatever you are about to say next seem less deep? I wonder why that is)
I was thinking about human nature, like the things we do that we just do instinctually. or more specifically what attracts us to certain things, ... so basically I started thinking about sex (no surprise there) but more like analyzing the fact, its a psychical experience that release specific molecules in my brain that are all hard wired to make me feel good, so naturally I would want to do it, and then (as pert plus always recommends) repeat. but what about something like a conversation with someone. Like a deep meaningful one, where you felt ... I don't know. that's exactly my point, what are you feeling, is it friendship, is it just feeling good because you actually were able to communicate with another human being (a feat that still amazes me to this day), or is it the romance, and how much of that do I have hard wired into my brain like sex. Did I learn to like conversations with people who share similar interests, or be intrigued by someone who makes me question my thoughts and brings insight to my life, or is that something intrinsic to being a human?
Sometimes I just feel like "free will" is somewhat of a joke (I know its not, but sometimes it just feels that way you know?). like i was destined to like something whether I wanted to or not (isn't that weird?)
anyways, that's not really the stuff I wanted to ask you about.
I was thinking today, I feel like I've read your blog and know things about you. and from what I have read I think your superfly (like, cool... not like a some super mutant or something like that). But I really don't know any basics... important basics too, like
whats your favorite movie, or who's your favorite author? and why.
favorite book of all time?
I'll tell you why I want to know too. Its because I think your really smart, your clearly sophisticated, but more importantly you are interesting.
And I think interesting people have the best selection of things but their reasons are really well thought out too. (not to put you on the spot or anything). Actually maybe they're not really thought out at all and that's what makes interesting people interesting. I don't know.
More than anything I'm just curious (I guess we have a little feline in all of us)
hope I'm not being too nosy.. (I just pictured myself with a HUGE nose.. hahaha... I should really stop drinking on weeknights...)
cheers
wow, that is a very 'stream of consciousness' comment. i think you give me far too much credit. i am really far from any kind of geniosity...
also, i don't have a favourite book, movie, or author. seriously, there are some i like a lot, but i could never pigeon-hole myself into one true fav...
i am so beat, cannot wait for tomorrow to be over and done with..
what're you gonna do about the dean's letter?
T
umm.. not too sure. I'm just trying not to worry about it at the moment.
as for pigeon holes, you should try them, they're cozy.
I have to keep a little post-it by my computer that says "do not post if you've been drinking".
here are my pigeon holes
rocky 1 (don't laugh, just go watch it again and appreciate the character development)
for life lessons paulo coelho and the alchemist
for cynical life lessons and hilarity douglas adams and hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
for physics Micheal Kaku (any of his books are good)
favourite book of all time though has to be the James Herriot Autobiography series.
cheers
TY,
I don't have much time, but wanted to apologise for maybe being a bit dickheaded last night.
I was just on the verge of heading to bed and totally wiped out. Also, I had realised at around 10pm that there was some information that would be very useful for my pres today, but that the only place to get it would be to call some guy at external affairs...so I was really frustrated with the last-minuteness of my work.
I do think I understand what you mean about the euphoria that comes from connecting with a kindred spirit. It's a rush when you meet some that seems to have a similar view on the world, and it can really renew your faith in the universe (as I wrote about at length last week). This whole exchange has been very exciting..
In terms of favourite things, I think you'll be disappointed with my lack of refinement. Some of the movies I like are Rushmore, Ponette, Dancer in the Dark...on and Legally Blonde Anne of Green Gables (kind of like my version of your Rocky).
For authors, I like F. Scott Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, Dave Eggers, and lately Ann Patchet.
I've gotta get ready for work now. I'm gonna try and reach that guy at external affairs this morning...wishful thinking I know.
hope you have a great day,
TT
not sure if you've noticed but I am big fan of dickheads (especially the "dick" part)
you don't have to apologize I totally understand last minute panic.
Dave Eggers is a really good writer.. will post more on that later
just at work and met the coolest guy. he stormed Normandy Beach at the age of 22! I think I was just getting out of diapers when I was 22.... man.. I have done so little with my life.
anyways, hope all your stuff today goes well.
might have to avoid posting tonight as I am going drinking and I keep embarassing myself (last night in Halifax)
cheers
Yo! (in the best italian accent I can do) weres you at lady? I wus gonna goes here and see whats been cookin, but looks like nobody's in the kitchen if ya know what I mean.
Somedays I wake up wishing I was born Italian. I love Italy, not too sure why. makes me think I was an Italian stud in my previous life.
Couple of things I needed to say before I went out drinking. First of all, humility, while it is an endearing characteristic in many people, is not becoming in someone who's as gifted as you.
Second, refinement is what elitist people say to exclude others. Your refinement or self proclaimed lack there of is not what I was looking for, I just wanted to know what you were reading/watching.
Dancer in the Dark is a great movie, heck it was awarded the Palme D'Or at Cannes!
legally blond on the other hand....
Dave Eggers.. this guy.. he's the kind of guy you who you read his work and go.. man, I just want to be in that guys inner circle. He would be fun to be friends with (I assume, he may be a major drag, who really knows?! Life is more interesting when you assume things)
Ann Patchett though.. i'm not familiar, will have to read some of her stuff.. any of her works that you recommend?
Ey okay, so's I'm thikin o' getting some grub, little bit'o THIS, little bit'o THAT. Maybes later I will get babady booped (you have to say that part really fast). Your beautiful, mammasito!
(maybe if I grow my hair out I would look more italian... hmmm....)
ciao
oh man, i just realized you got back from Italy recently... I'm sorry for the poor stereotypes. that was totally douche-like of me.
(not to mention it doesn't help my creepy internet stalker self image I have of myself right now...)
hey, quick thought, do Narcissists ever get depressed?
TY,
Narcissists can get very depressed, even suicidal, when they suffer a narcissistic injury. It's their defence for extreme insecurity, so when their world comes crashing down (i.e., their wife leaves them, or they get fired) the emotional S%^& really hits the fan.
I just got in and am jumping in the shower, so I can't really post anything now. I have a bit of a party of my own planned for tonight. It involves cheese, wine, rock and roll.
Maybe I will drunk post for your entertainment tonight, if I'm in the right frame of mind.
Have fun tonight. I will too. We can reconvene tomorrow. Though you will likely be in transit,non?
I love Dave Eggers' writing, and I totally agree with you. When I read his first book, I was like "I love this guy and want to be best friends with him and his brother." Then when I read his second book, I thought, this guy might be a narcissist, but I still love his ease of expression (is that why you bring up narcissism?)
Anyway, time to put on a party dress.
TT
two things first:
1. your friend Tamara left me a note, I just noticed it today, tell her I'm sorry I did not reply earlier.
2. ... umm.. shoot, I can't remember.
I'm looking at a yellow piece of paper with a sticky strip on one side. on the other side are a string of letters forming a string of words which seem to be instructing me to do something... something which at this point in time I am completely ignoring.
it says "hey, were you out drinking? if yes, stop posting on this poor girls blog"...
the, umm, the question about narcissists served 2 purposes:
1. I wanted to know if I should be worried about depression (hahaha... I heard a funny joke about this.. it goes: "I wake up some mornings and think to myself, 'why should I bother getting out of bed' .... and then I remember, 'oh yeah, cuz I'm awesome!" probably less funny for a psychiatrist...
2. I wanted to distract you from my previous boorish and somewhat stalking like post earlier.
(mission accomplished!)
(I am currently finding myself very amusing, therefore I feel that I must apologize in advance)
hope your night went better than mine! I'm home already and its only 11:15pm, what's up with that?!
my buddy's on call for gen surg tomorrow so we came home early... boo urns.
I've noticed something about you that I find very cute. (I apologize if I'm being too forward, I am very desperately trying not to flirt with my computer screen at this moment).
I was thinking, the next guy you date (probably too soon to talk about stuff like this.. I'm sorry for bringing it up... I guess I could just delete this.. hmmm...no I want to tell you).
the next guy you date should appreciate how you always do this little thing where you say "non?" instead of just "no?" at the end of your questions.
I always imagine you saying it with a little accent too.
I have a feeling I will be embarrassed by my comments tomorrow, but that's the good thing about drinking yourself silly, it never seems embarrassing at the moment. in fact, it seems like the most perfect thing to say... I should really stop talking/typing.
okay.. so I ran into this nurse at the bar who works on the urology ward... she kind of remembered me, but then I told her I was a used car salesman in town for a convention .. hahaha... and she actually bought it. I felt kind of bad afterwards because I had to keep going with the story. (by bad I mean it was difficult to keep up the story.. i really don't know anything about used cars)
okay, this is the last time I'm doing this. no more drinking and posting (I think there's a commercial on tv about this sort of thing).
oh, I almost forgot, check this out
http://www.funnycatsite.com/pictures/Drinking_Cat.jpg
and this one too
http://birdhouse.org/blog/images/silly_hans.jpg
oh Hans, you silly fool.
on that note, I should really pack. Early flight in the AM.
drink lots for me
cheers (hey, cool, double entendre!)
well, i don't know if it qualifies as a drunk post, guess we'll see in the morning. i've been drinking, but i think the more important point is that i am so tired, i cannot even keep it together.
i'm sorry you had to come home easly, but at least you won't be a big puddle of slush tomorrow. where are you flying to?
i'm hitting the hay right now, as i am getting up at 8 to go wedding dress shopping with my friend.
safe travels,
t
pass your friend my sincerest congratulations.
I would love to tell you where I am from, however considering my comments with regards to my dean, it would be best if I told you such information via email.
paranoid? yes, but I have been caught on something like this before ... my dean's desperation to rid himself of me has no bounds (I'm not kidding)
In any regards, there was another issue I wanted to discuss with you and this also would be best via email.
teamyellow@live.com
have fun shopping (do I even need to say that?)
cheers
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