Greetings from the Land of Abandoned Blogs...

Hello Friends,

Yes, it has been a very long time. I've missed you, and have often thought about blogging over the past year, but a few things have held me back. First, and foremost, I've been busy. I am not naturally all that clever or witty, so posting anything remotely well written tends to take me a bit of time.

Second, most of the interesting stuff in my life happens in the context of patient encounters at work, and I struggle (on an ongoing basis) with the idea of disclosing details of what people tell me. Of course I would never betray anyone's confidentiality, but sometimes I think even just sharing, no matter how anonymously, information that someone has bravely disclosed about their very private life, must be some kind of an empathic failure or ethical violation. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I flip flop back and forth.

Finally, probably the most significant reason I haven't been writing is that I've just been too frickin' happy over the past year. I started this blog in medical school, primarily as a means of exposing some of the calamity of life as a med student, and as a way of venting my frustrations. These days, my life feels pretty settled (in a good way). After years of waiting, and many false starts, I stumbled onto 'the one' last February. We've had many great times and adventures together, and now are planning to get married, which is to take place in March (come to think of it, chronicling our wedding planning foibles might be just the thing to breathe some life back into this blog). Being with a wonderful man who loves you, in an uncomplicated relationship that works and feels right, really removes a lot of fodder for angst-ridden, lamenting, drama-filled stories. Life is just downright wonderful these days. I don't know how riveted you'd be by a story about a disagreement over what kind of soup we should have for dinner.

So, on that note, and just to underscore how exciting I am, I'm going to hit the sheets now and nap for an hour. I feel totally wiped out (possibly from my flu shot yesterday), and I'm on call tonight, so I need to catch a few zzzs this afternoon in anticipation of a crazy night tonight - literally.

I will try to write again soon,
xotabby

Mistletoe Fruitcake!

I should be writing more these days. I actually could be. The problem is I’ve developed a nasty little TV habit. Worse, I seem to be addicted to those horrible, cheesy, predictable, low budget, made for TV Christmas movies gracing the small screen at this time of year. What is my problem? I get sucked in, watch the whole thing in a semi-trance, and at the end invariably utter something along the lines of “that was the worst f^%ing movie I have ever seen”. Then I spend a few minutes thinking about how I just wasted 2 hours of my life that I can never get back. The saddest part is that it happens again and again and again...I’m in the middle of one now. It’s killing me but I can’t stop.

T

Brain Freeze

Hello All,

Just a short post. I’m off to the Tdot this weekend and have about a million things to do before I go. Yesterday I had lunch with BBCTCHR. We had sushi in Orleans of all places, and it was really good. I ordered this coconut bubble tea to drink and it was so delicious that I could not stop slurping it back, but it was really cold, and, as a consequence of my ‘overindulgence’ I experienced the worst brain freeze of my life. We’re talking really extreme pain. I’ve never had anything like that happen to me before.

There’s a drug called Adenosine that we sometimes give to patients in emerg who have cardiac arrhythmias. It basically stops your heart for a few seconds and when patients have it they totally freak out, and afterwards they say it felt like they were dying. Yesterday, in conjunction with the crippling pain of my brain freeze, I swear to God my heart stopped beating for about 7 seconds. I thought I was gonna pass out.

This week has somehow managed to get totally jam packed. I have plans every night, and Friday morning I’m off to Toronto. Where does the time go?

xot

Pride Please, Hold the Prejudice

Hello All,
I had so many hopes for this weekend, but here we are, Sunday night, and I’ve accomplished essentially nothing. Worse still, I spent the majority of this day feeling like I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I think this has to do with the fact that I am over tired, and it will likely pass in one or two days max, but it sure is a drag because it means that I have not vacuumed and my skis are unwaxed. Plus, I hate crying, and rarely do it.

I had a birthday dinner at my parents’ tonight, and my mom and dad made all of my favourites. It was a wonderful feast, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. My mom also packed up a fabulous goodie bag for me. I felt like a jerk though, because it was meant to be a celebratory event and I was so clearly low on the energy scale and critically low on exuberance. My mom reminded me that home is the one place where you can always wear your heart on your sleeve...and people still love you no matter what. Isn’t that sweet? What did I ever do to deserve such a great family, and great friends? Honestly, I am pretty much as lucky as they come.

I had to leave rather abruptly though, because my parents are dog sitting a dog that I am deathly allergic to, and after dinner, I felt I was one flake of inhaled dander away from having my some kind of whacked-out asthma attack. I’m pretty somatic it’s true, but I’m also legitimately very allergic to certain dogs.

Right now I am watching Pride and Prejudice, which is one of my favourite romantic movies. Unfortunately, it is the Kiera Knightly version, which makes me want to barf a little. I much prefer the one with Colin Firth as Mr. D’Arcy. Anyway, it is doing an adequate job of pacifying my hopeless romantic disposition for the moment, but I just took a double hit of Benedryl, so I think I am not long for this world .

I’m on call tomorrow night, so there’s bound to be some calamity for me to write about...

Much love,
Tabby

Grated My Finger

I am laying low tonight. Went wedding dress shopping with a friend of mine today, and it was a huge, but exhausting, success. Tonight I cannot muster up the wherewithal to do anything other than sit on the couch, drinking wine, cleaning up my inbox, making to do lists,and watching movies on the W network. It is total bliss. I decided to defrost the second bit of my mom's excellent pasta sauce and cooked up a little spaghetti again. As I was grating some Parmesan cheese into it, I caught my pinkie. It hurt like a mofo, but I figured I was just being a suck. Just now (about an hour later) I looked down and found my entire finger covered in dried blood, plus a large gash where I grated the skin right off of it.

This is the kind of shape I'm in. Tonight, I will sleep like the dead, and tomorrow wake rejuvenated and ready for a ski wax!

My parents are cooking me a birthday dinner tomorrow including my favourite Beef Stroganoff(?sp) and this yummy vanilla pie that I really love...and God knows what else. I'm really excited.

there are a trillion things I want to do tomorrow.

I love you all,
Tabby T

On The Home Stretch

Hello Friends,

Last night when I went to bed at around 2:40am, my heart rate was about 139 and I had a major sense of impending doom. I could not calm my ass down. I thought it would be kind of ironic if I were having my first ever panic attack in bed, my favourite place in the world. Luckily, it did not come to that; though, I can pretty much guarantee that if someone had offered me 0.5mg of Ativan, I would’ve taken it without hesitation.

This morning when I woke up, I thought (again) that I might die from anxiety. I won’t even get into the GI symptoms I was having. Instead of dying, I got in the shower and told myself that this grand rounds was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, and then I somehow managed to pull it together. The dose of perspective I needed came when I saw one of my ex-patients, a young man, with a new diagnosis of schizophrenia, shuffling down the snowy street looking totally lost. Seriously, I think my challenges are pretty minor in comparison.

So, the worst of it is over with, and now I just need to pull something together for Friday. I am ecstatic to have it done, and I don’t even care if I flamed out. The thing is, I actually enjoy public speaking, just not when I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. This weekend is going to be the birthday weekend of the century...I cannot wait.

I’m gonna have a little nap now... xot

Thank You Dr. S.

God Bless you for a)engaging in supportive psychotherapy with me today, and b)letting me leave early. You are a kind generous man, and you are invited to my party on Friday night!

Also, a shout out to Brocat, and Micher for the wonderful cupcakes. They are the only solid food I've been able to handle all day...

Just now, I almost burned down the kitchen. I have no kettle, so rely on boiling water for tea on the stove. This is a fine strategy, except when my head is lodged firmly up my ... I'm trying to quit swearing.

I'm a complete mess, but I will persevere...and regain my former lust for life, and high(ish) level of functioning.

xot

Happy Birthday Christina Applegate!

I can no longer communicate verbally. I am so exhausted. I still have so much to do...dare I take a chance on finishing this travesty tomorrow night?