Advice from Tabby

Dear Dr. So and So,

I'm no expert, but I think it is considered rude in most circles to be discussing end of life issues with a family whilst sending and receiving text messages on your cell phone. Again, I am not an expert on etiquette, it was just the vibe I got.

xot

Busted – A One Act Play Not So Loosely Based on Real Life Events

I tend to just head home right after my workout and shower when I get here. Today was no exception. I had a great run, jumped in my car and started for home. Unfortunately, I had only made it about 50 meters when I was abruptly jarred from my endorphin-induced bliss by sirens and flashing red lights.

So I pulled over and sure enough so did the cop. My face was covered in salty sweat residue and I had my puffy down coat over my stinky running jersey. My hair was wet and matted to my head. I generally looked terrible.

The following is a transcript of what transpired.

Cop: (angry aggressive tone) Ma’am, you didn’t even try to stop at that stop sign coming out of the parking lot. Why not?

Me: (looking down shamefully, thinking to myself, what a stupid question? briefly considering telling him the truth - that said stop sign is completely futile and stupid) Uh, I dunno, guess I was in a bit of a rush...

Cop: (even more angry) how often do you come onto the base?

Me: almost every day

Cop: well, why did you blast through that stop sign?

Me: I dunno, I’m sorry.

Cop: Ma’am, can I see your driver’s license, insurance, and registration please?

Me: (fumbling around in my wallet) Uh, here is my driver’s license. Where would I find the rest of that stuff?

Cop: I don’t know ma’am

Me: (opening glove compartment) Uh, shit, is this what you want?

Cop: Ma’am, that is the registration. Can you get it out please? I also need your insurance.

Me: Right, well I definitely have insurance. Where would that be?

Cop: I don’t know. It should be a pink piece of paper.

Me: (reaching into wallet, pulling out plastic Meloche Monnex Client Card) I think this is my insurance.

Cop: No, that is not your insurance.

Me: I think it is. Are you sure it isn’t?

Cop: Yes, your insurance is pink and has an expiry date on it.

Me: Well maybe mine is different. Do you think they might be revamping insurance and handing out cards instead?

Cop: No ma’am I do not.

Me: (ongoing spastic fumbling in glove compartment - for like 8 minutes!) Oh, shit, here it is.

Cop: (taking my documents with him, walks back to his car, returns moments later) Ma’am where do you live?

Me: I live on Mc___ Street. I’m just in town for a few months working at the hospital.

Cop: Fine, hang on. I’ll be back.

Me: (waiting forever while cop sits in his car doing God knows what, stewing, wondering how many demerit points I can expect, wondering if I’ll get kicked off the base forever, questioning how much the fine will be, feeling my insurance premium rising while I wait)

Cop: (finally returns, hands me my stuff, miraculously no ticket) Ma’am, you need to stop at that stop sign in the future.

Me: (massive relief) Yes, of course I will.

This is actually the second time in my life I’ve been pulled over for running a stop sign, and also the second time I’ve successfully employed the spastic freak defence. It’s not premeditated but I guess it's kind of like my version of a bend and snap. One time I got pulled over for speeding and tried the same strategy. That time, it did not work. The cop was mad at me because I drove for about 3 kilometers before pulling over and then told him that I was hoping if I kept driving, he’d go after somebody else. I don’t recommend that, as it really pissed him off and he gave me the speeding ticket as punishment.

Anyway, today my charms were effective despite being a salt covered nut job. I was very relieved.

biggest hug,

T

Dimanche Apres-Midi

I bought some stupendous organic yogurt on Friday. I like trying new kinds of yogurt, and this stuff just knocked my socks off. I’ve eaten almost all of it already. It’s called Stonyfield Farm and if you have a chance I really recommend the apple blackberry flavour.

As you can see, I’ve had a very exciting weekend. The yogurt has been the highlight. The past two weekends, I’ve resisted the urge to flee and have stayed put in North Bay, basically living the life of a shut in. It has surprisingly been kind of pleasant, but next weekend I will definitely be going away. I’m starting to feel a smidge stir crazy.

Last week was pretty busy with work and it didn’t help that I could not sleep. On Monday night I had a dream that the apartment I was staying in (not this one, some place I’ve never seen before) had burned to the ground and all of my clothes and possessions had been destroyed. In the dream I was so angry at the person whose negligence started the fire, and I was standing outside in the freezing cold repeating over and over “Now I have nothing left. Not even my passport”.

I was talking about this with one of the psychiatrists I’m working with. He says that anytime you dream about fire, it means you have angry rage. I knew I was a little anxious, but I didn’t realise I had angry rage. I don’t consciously feel angry at all. Maybe a little lonely, maybe a little unsure about the future, but not angry.

Anyway, on Thursday night I went over to Mr. Dine and Dash’s house. He has a great little house, and he recently acquired a cat that I would love to take home with me. He is a grey tabby, just like me. And he is fun and affectionate. I was crazy about him. I also discovered that Mr. D&D has a Wii, so instead of going out to the movies as planned, we played Wii tennis for most of the evening. I’ve had a sore arm all weekend.

The laws of attraction are so funny. This is a great looking guy, who is funny, smart, and social. We get along great and he seems to be into me. But I must admit that, even though I enjoy spending time with him, I’m just not sure I can picture myself smooching him. Why is that? This guy would be a totally appropriate match. Maybe it’s just the headspace I’m in right now, but it’s super strange. I seem to be attracted these days to guys who are totally unavailable, or uninterested. It’s safe I guess.

I think I’m gonna go out for a walk now before the freezing rain starts. This is my life in North Bay.

xot